“To love is to value. Only a rationally selfish man, a man of self esteem, is capable of love – because he is the only man capable of holding firm, consistent, uncompromising, unbetrayed value. The man who does not value himself, cannot value anything or anyone”
― Ayn Rand, The Virtue of Selfishness: A New Concept of Egoism
Being an alpha male in a relationship is not always easy.
I’ve done a lot of work on myself to level-up my skills of attraction with women. And in many ways, this area of my life has gotten to the point where it is actually fun.
But it wasn’t always like that. Women used to stress me out, because I didn’t understand how to treat them or interact with them in healthy ways.
I didn’t know how to draw healthy, rational boundaries… for them or for myself.
I’m still always learning. You can never learn enough about attraction to understand everything there is to know about mating behavior, flirting, approaching, engaging, and eventually escalating with a woman to the point where you either hook up, enjoy romance/chemistry with her, or possibly even start dating.
But what happens when you are an alpha male in a relationship?
How do you handle that?
I have faced a lot of failure and success in my relationship life. I have had to learn a lot of hard lessons in life about how to successfully navigate dating relationships, or even marriage, as a true, powerful alpha.
My first marriage failed at the 10 year mark. I certainly learned a lot from that.
I’ve also had other relationships. Some of them were healthy, and some were toxic.
I have learned from both.
And every day, I challenge myself to keep leveling-up, to keep learning more, and to keep experimenting with new things… to understand how to make relationships between men and women more enjoyable, fulfilling, and successful.
That is really the entire goal. The reason I am so invested in learning as much as I can about the Alpha male journey is because I truly believe that becoming a true alpha is the only way to find real fulfillment, enjoyment, and purpose… not just in life, but also in our relationships with women.
My passion, in this, is to see men engaging with women in ways that make men and women exceedingly happy!
(Check out this article to learn how this is going very wrong with some men!)
But there are a lot of moving parts to this. So let’s start at the beginning…
The Resource Principle
The Resource Principle, And The Core Fundamentals Of Interpersonal Relationships
The Resource Principle is the term I use for deciding who gets to determine how personal resources are used in a relationship.
Your personal resources are really everything that you have to offer to other humans… but the biggest four resources are going to include…
- Money
- Sex
- Time
- Emotional Energy
In modern relationships, especially in the Western world, there are a lot of preconceived ideas about who gets to decide how these resources are used, and who should or shouldn’t feel entitled to the other person’s resources.
First Of All, You Can Decide This However You Want
In any relationship, you and the other person get to negotiate how these resources are spent… and every relationship is different.
So there isn’t really a ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to do it, as long as both people in the relationship are happy about it and agree to it.
But I will also say that, in my personal journey, I have come to believe that alpha men should never enter into any relationship with a woman where there is any sense of entitlement expected by either party in regard to resources.
It should be understood that a healthy relationship can, and should, only exist between two humans who come together on equal terms, as self-fulfilled, happy people, who choose to give some measure of each other’s resources to one-another because doing so brings more enjoyment into their lives.
Obviously, when I say ‘relationship,’ in this context, I mean ‘sexual relationship.’ There are obviously some types of relationships that do not fit into this category.
But that is what I mean for the purposes of this article.
Most People Operate With A Sense Of Entitlement To Other People’s Resources
This happens all the time in relationships in our modern world.
To a point, this was expected when we were cave-men and cave-women… but the fact that we live in a modern world, with access to modern opportunties and resources, definitely calls for a change in behavior and thinking that is based more on rationality than on survival.
Why? Because it is simply easier to survive now than it was. Times have changed… and with those changes, we must embrace a new way of thinking if we want to adapt and change as well.
And as an alpha male, I have done a lot of experimenting about how to handle resource management in relationships.
And I can tell you from my experiences, and also from a place of rational thought, that there is really only one legitimately enlightened way to navigate this in our modern world.
We need to completely remove any sense of entitlement from the equation, and give each person complete control of their own individual resources.
Each person should only do what they actually WANT to do with their own resources, and they should say ‘no’ to everything else… and this ‘no’ should always be respected.
In other words, no human in a relationship with you should ever try to control how you spend your resources… and the same goes the other way around.
Let’s go over a few specific examples.
Example 1: Sex
Let’s say that there is a man and a woman in a relationship, and that both of them have different ideas for how often they would like to have sex.
There can be many reasons for this… but the reasons actually do not matter.
What matters is that they want different things.
Let’s say that the woman wants sex once per week, and the man wants it four times per week.
What should they do?
- Should they meet in the middle and have sex twice per week?
- Should the woman have as much sex as the man wants to have?
- Should the man be content with once per week?
- Should they open up their relationship and see other people?
- Should they decide that sex isn’t that important of a thing, and just ignore this difference in desires?
- Or should they end the relationship because of this seemingly significant incompatibility?
This is for them to decide, and context means everything.
There are so many different things that could be at work here that they can only discover the true answer by sharing what they both want out of this relationship, and coming to an understanding of whether or not the upsides continue to outweigh the negatives to the point where they both decide that it is still worth it to stay.
But what they should not do is act like they have some fundamental right to the other person’s resources.
For example… the man should not feel that he is owed sex by the woman.
Why?
Because her sexuality is her own resource, not his… and she has no obligation to give it to anyone.
Now, he might respond to this by deciding to pursue sex with other women as well, so that he can have sex as often as he wants without acting out a sense of entitlement to his female partner.
Thus, he goes and finds what he wants without pressuring her.
She might get upset about this, though, as it might make her feel insecure or jealous.
But she has no rational right to feel this way… because his sexuality, time, and energy are his resources, not hers.
So just as he should not act entitled to her sexuality, she should not act entitled to his singular attention.
What Happens If This Places Too Much Of A Strain On The Relationship, And One Or Both Of Them Is Just Unhappy With It?
If either the man or the woman cannot live happily with the other person using their resources as they please, then they may start to experience a genuine lack of compatibility.
And if this happens, they can either try to calmly talk and negotiate an agreement that works for both of them, or they should end the relationship and find other partners to engage with who are more compatible, and fit better into what they want for themselves in life.
Example 2: Money
The same can be said for money in a relationship.
All money that someone makes should be theirs to do with as they please.
Let’s say that a man and a woman decide to date.
Who pays for the date?
The default arrangement is that they pay for their own things… unless one of them volunteers and wants to spend their money on the other person.
But neither of them should feel entitled to the other person’s money by default.
Why?
Because the man’s money is his resource, and the woman’s money is her resource, and no human should be forced to give up their resources just to appease someone else. They should only do so if they want to do so.
Now, let’s say that a man and a woman decide to move-in together.
Obviously, they will need to decide beforehand who is going to pay which bills.
The ideal situation is for them to split the bills 50/50. But… the most important part is that they agree on a deal and stick with it.
Let’s say that they move-in together, and suddenly the man loses his job and does not pay his portion of the bills.
Is the woman responsible for helping him to get on his feet, and cover the bills until he does?
This is 100% up to her, but he has no reason to feel entitled to such an act of generosity… because her money is not his, it is hers.
She would be 100% justified in ending the relationship with him, based on the fact that he is now not keeping up his end of the bargain.
If she wants to help him get back on his feet, that is on her. But that is a decision that only she can make.
Example 3: Time
Let’s say that a man and a woman are in a relationship together.
And let’s say that they usually spend three nights per week together, and that they both seem to like this arrangement.
Well, let’s say that the woman suddenly gets very busy with work, and instead of spending three nights together, she can now only spend one night with the man.
He might not like this, and might ask her if she can go back to spending three nights per week with him as they used to.
He might say that he feels like she is not giving him the same quality time she used to give him.
Well, they can discuss it… but the truth is that she does not owe him any of her time.
Her time is her resource, to spend as she wishes.
The appropriate response from him, as an alpha, would be to express gratitude for what she does give him, and seek out whatever else he might want somewhere else, without pressuring her to give him anything more than she wants to give him.
If she decides to keep working and only spending one night per week with him, he has no right to feel entitled to her time.
If he does not feel like the way she is spending her resources is compatible with his life, he should leave and find a new partner who is more compatible with him.
What If The Woman Simply Chooses To Spend Less Time With Him?
The same is true even if the woman wants to do other things in her life, aside from work, that cause her to spend less time with him.
Maybe she develops a desire to take dance classes, so she does that at night instead of spending time with him.
Does the man have a right to be upset that she has changed the way she spends her time?
No, he does not… because he has no right to feel entitled to her resources.
Her time is hers to spend, and a rational human will realize this.
Therefore, if he wants to continue to be with her, he should allow her to spend her time as she wishes, and use his resources to find fulfillment and excellence in his own life, rather than relying on her to make him happy.
If he simply doesn’t like how she spends her time, and the dislike is strong enough that it changes his desire to be with her, and if this dislike cannot be reconciled through a civil, rational conversation, then he should just end the relationship and find companionship elsewhere.
That would be far preferable, and healthier, than him trying to control her resources.
How To Be An Alpha Male In A Relationship: The Basic Principles
As you probably see, there are a few basic principles that must be applied to this idea.
First off, a true alpha male does not make any woman the center of his universe.
He is the center of his universe, and he chases excellence for himself above all else.
He is not reliant upon another human to make him happy.
He creates his own happiness by seeking out what he desires, and achieving it.
A woman (even a woman he is in a relationship with) should only be an addition to his already awesome life.. Not the focal point of it.
But a true alpha male will also never try to control how a woman spends her resources.
And at the same time, he will never allow a woman to control how HE spends HIS resources, either.
This is why I believe that it is actually really important for alpha male men to be wise about who they enter into relationships with.
Do not just jump into relationships without a thorough understanding of who the other person is.
If you jump into a relationship and develop enough feelings for someone to cloud your judgement even a little bit, this can lead to domestication… and will have a very high likelihood of leading to you making small compromises that give the woman more power over your resources.
These are small, subtle things.
The truth is that modern humans have no need to try to control the resources of other people… and any attempt to do so is emotional, and only results in chaos.
This is not the true way, gentlemen.
Decide what you want. Decide how you want to spend your resources. And then, only consider a serious relationship with a woman if you are very compatible in your views on these things.
Guilt Tripping And Expectations Are Equally Chaotic As Well, And Should Be Avoided At All Cost
It is also important to understand that just because you do something nice for someone else, you still do not have the right to demand the same of them.
And the same is true for the people around you.
If someone does something kind for you, and then gets mad if you do not do the same thing to them… that is guilt-tripping, entitlement, and a form of attempted control.
Do not allow it!
But, you must also avoid doing this.
For example, don’t take a woman out to dinner, and then expect her to have sex with you unless she 100% wants to.
That’s not how it works!
If we want to make deals, that is perfectly fine.
Maybe you tell a woman that you will pay for dinner, if she will pay for desert.
If she agrees, awesome! You’ve made a deal.
If she withdraws from it, you cannot control that.
You simply end the relationship because she didn’t keep up her end of the bargain.
And if you ever fail to hold up your end of a bargain, understand that it is perfectly reasonable for the other person to contemplate ending their relationship with you as well.
It is also important that we do not try to control or manipulate anyone else (or tolerate such things done to us) through such methods as…
- Constant pressure
- Manipulation
- Guilt-tripping
- Passive aggression
- Rudeness
- Hostility
- Threats
- Coercion
- Etc.
Not cool. None of these things are cool, and a true alpha male would never do them.
He would also never tolerate someone who acted this way.
“I vow to be steadfast in my position… never wavering, never allowing or tolerating disrespect, dissent, or weaker thinking a place in my circle.”
Joshua K. Sigafus, 8th Vow of the Oath of Kings
In Conclusion
Remember that alpha males will strive to engage only in quality relationships with other humans, and will never allow themselves to enter into situations where they do not retain full control over everything that they bring to the table.
In other words… never agree to something you don’t want, no matter how tempting it might seem at first, and no matter how much someone might try to pressure you into agreeing to it.
I would also advise women to have the same mindset.
We are not cave-men and cave-women anymore.
It’s time that we all starting to do the rational thing, and put ourselves first in life.
Then, when we do nice things for the people we care for, and have good things done for us by those people, we can all react with gratitude.
Isn’t gratitude so much healthier than control?
Isn’t freedom so much better than entitlement?
But if we want these things in life, we need to embody them, create them, give them to other people, and then maintain strong boundaries so that others do not try to sneak in and get us to give our valuable resources away for free.
That’s all I have for today.
In the meantime, go with grace… and never give up your power.
Joshua K. Sigafus