Dating someone with anxiety can be challenging, especially for men on the alpha male journey.
Why? Because a partner who deals with anxiety is far more likely to worry, have doubts, feel confused, and require things like reassurance.
And sometimes… they can tend to bottle up these feelings, which can cause an explosion later. Or, it can lead to them putting the burden of fixing their anxiety on you, which is also not a good thing.
One really interesting thing to take note of is that women are twice as likely as men to be diagnosed with anxiety disorders.
But even if this wasn’t a factor, we all know that some women do suffer from anxiety.
And if you are a man who is dating someone with anxiety, or at least thinking about dating someone with anxiety, it might be good to understand what kinds of challenges that can produce, as well as how to overcome them.
Let’s dive into this.
Can Anxiety Interfere With Relationships?
Anxiety can interfere with relationships in a number of ways.
But the most obvious challenge that comes to mind when it comes to dating someone with anxiety is the fact that they may have doubts about how much they are truly loved, desired, cared for, or valued.
This can lead to feelings of low-self esteem, low self confidence, and can really lead to a lot of worrying.
“Negative Emotions” is probably the best way to describe the types of emotions that ‘anxiety’ produces.
In general, the healthiest relationships consist of…
Two happy, healthy, confident partners who are perfectly fine and happy on their own, but who choose to partner up together because their existence in each other’s lives simply makes both of their lives better.
Of course, the other rational side of this would be the following…
If for any reason, one of these individuals realize that their lives would be better without the existence of the other person in it, they should end the relationship, or at least make the needed changes to it to bring back the mutual exchange of betterment… because self-prioritization on both sides is crucial to a healthy, happy, fulfilling life.
What’s The Big Deal About Anxiety In Relationships?
The big challenge for people with anxiety is that, if their anxiety is bad enough, they may not technically qualify as the type of person who is ‘healthy, happy, and confident on their own.’
And this is actually a really important ‘line’ to be aware of. Because if you can’t be healthy, happy, and confident on your own… then it is very likely that you are not capable of entering into a healthy relationship with someone else.
That is the big problem with anxiety. When someone is constantly questioning themselves, questioning their place in the relationship, doubting the way other people perceive them, doubting whether or not other people are being honest, etc. it causes not only a lot of stress on the person with anxiety, but also likely places a constant burden on the other partner to absolve the anxiety… and that can get pretty tiring and exhausting after a while.
Whereas, someone who can self-soothe their own anxiety (or handle it by seeing a therapist, talking to friends, or otherwise manage it) is much more likely to be able to exist in a healthy state in a relationship.
This is not to say that when you are dating a woman with anxiety, she shouldn’t ever be able to voice her anxieties to you. That isn’t what I’m saying. In fact, I would actually say the opposite.
As an alpha male, if you really plan on dating someone with anxiety, you need to be able to self-soothe your own anxiety, without putting the burden of that anxiety onto your partner.
But I also believe that you need to be capable of taking on at least some of the burden of anxiety produced by your partner (to a certain, limited degree, of course.)
In other words…
- I believe that alpha men should rarely, if ever, voice their anxieties to their partner
- I would prefer that, if an alpha male has anxieties, he learn to self-soothe them, talk to his friends about them, or talk to a therapist about them
- He handles his anxiety somewhere else… not with his sexual/intimate partner
- And in so doing, his partner is not saddled with that burden.
- But this will also result in a situation where he WILL be capable of helping her with her anxiety to a certain point, if he wants to… because he will always be on top of his own anxieties to such a point that he will be a strong pillar that she can rely on for support
- It is also important to understand that helping someone to soothe anxiety requires emotional/mental energy… and that we all have a finite amount of that energy to give other people
- The alpha male, then, must always prioritize himself first. So if soothing her anxiety becomes too much work, he needs to draw a boundary and communicate that to her in a healthy, productive way
- This will allow her to recognize that she needs to soothe her anxieties somewhere else… perhaps with her own therapist, or with her own friends
As Alpha Men, We Must Strive To Keep Our Own Anxiety Under Control: And Here Is Why
As alpha men, we really need to work hard to keep our anxiety under control.
Why? Because we simply can’t afford to be worrying and stressing about everything all the time.
In fact, the final vow of the Oath of Kings, my own personal alpha-male code, speaks directly to this issue.
“I understand that every day is a battle… and that there is no guarantee of victory tomorrow. So I vow to live gloriously and wisely on this day of days, setting my sights on the battle before me, without losing sleep or hope to the unknown horizon.”
18th Vow of The Oath Of Kings
A man who spends his energy stressing out and worrying about everything is going to waste his mental resources worrying about the ‘what ifs,’ instead of spending his energy executing on his plans, growing his wealth, building value, and chasing excellence.
This can be a big challenge. And if you are a man who tends to deal with anxiety, it might be a great idea to go to therapy, read some good books, or to find some other way to defeat that demon in your life so that you can move on, find your self-confidence, and really step-up into the leadership role that alpha males must fill if they want to be strong, effective men.
As Alpha Men, We Must Be Emotionally Self Sufficient
As alpha men, it is of absolute importance that we keep our anxiety under control.
Because at the end of the day, as strong, effective leaders, we must be ready to handle the worries and anxieties of those around us (including the women we spend time with and date) with as little drama and as much rationality as possible.
I know that I’m talking a lot in this post about the importance of getting rid of our own anxiety. But there is a reason for this.
Getting rid of our own anxiety is crucial if we want to be successful dating someone with anxiety! Actually, it is important if we want to be successful dating at all!
As pillars of our tribes, we do not have the luxury (nor should we seek it or wish for it) of freaking out about things and being soothed by our sexual partners.
We must be strong enough to not only self-soothe, but we must be ready to be a strong shoulder for someone else… someone who may not be strong enough, or have the ability, to soothe themselves.
We must also be wise enough to know when it is time to seek help.
If you cannot self-soothe your anxiety, then you should probably seek help from either a therapist, counselor, or psychologist for the issue. But as alpha men, the last thing we want is to put the burden of this issue on our sexual partners.
There are two reasons for this.
- As men, we want to be emotionally self-sufficient. This makes us stronger, more effective, more desirable men. And when we take responsibility for ourselves and seek out a therapist, talk to friends, or read books to solve our anxiety problems, then we can keep from putting those problems onto the woman or women we are dating/sleeping with. This causes us to be more desirable sexual partners.
- If we do dump our anxieties onto our sexual partner, they will inevitably come to see that extra burden as undesirable… and they will tend to find you less and less attractive over time. Why? Because they won’t see you as a strong, powerful man who can support not only yourself, but also your tribe and community… they will see you as a man who pretends to be strong, who, in the privacy of the bedroom or home, must unload all of your anxieties onto your sexual partner.
Don’t do it, men. Choose anyone else to talk to your anxiety about. Do not choose your sexual partner(s) to be the person you vent your anxieties to!
How Do I Date A Girl With Anxiety?
Dating someone with anxiety can be tricky. But… there are a lot of really awesome people who do suffer with it.
In my opinion, men don’t necessarily need to rule out a prospective dating partner just because of anxiety. But… men should learn to be aware of anxiety, recognize it when it manifests, and make sure that they are strong enough to deal with it wisely, with kindness, and with respect when it does arise.
“I vow to allow respect and kindness to rule my interactions with others… even if they are my enemies, and even as I defeat them in battle.”
6th Vow of the Oath Of Kings
As men, we should also be very careful not to compromise on our personal boundaries when it comes to soothing someone else’s anxiety.
Dating someone with anxiety is more difficult than dating someone who doesn’t have it. Period.
Some men choose to rule out dating women with anxiety altogether, while others are more willing to try to work through the problems that anxiety may cause as they arise.
So in this part of the post, I’m going to give you some step-by-step instructions for how to navigate dating someone with anxiety.
Step 1: Always Make Sure To Prioritize Yourself First
Before you enter into any relationship, it is very important that you understand how to prioritize yourself first.
You must always use your time, energy, and resources to make sure that you are ok before you move on to help anyone else.
This is a core tenant of the alpha male mindset.
Do this by giving yourself as much space as you need. If a partner has anxiety, they can sometimes tend to put the burden of absolving their anxieties onto you.
You must be very aware of this, and you must choose intentionally how much of it you are willing to handle, and when you need to place a boundary to say “that is all I can help you with right now.”
For example. Let’s say that your partner is having doubts that you actually like her.
When she voices this anxiety to you, you must choose right then and there if you are willing and able to handle the work involved in helping to ease that anxiety… or if you simply don’t have the energy to spare for it right now.
Then, you must communicate this to her in a kind and respectful way.
As men, we do not want to play mind games with women. We are living our own way, doing our own thing, chasing excellence, building up a powerful life for ourselves… and we live the way we want to live.
We are honest with women about this from the get-go. And so, we are not playing games to try to make women jealous, or to try to feed their insecurities.
But we also understand that it is not our responsibility to absolve anyone else’s anxieties… unless we choose to take that responsibility onto ourselves. And that is something that we should only do if we want to do so, and have the energy to spare.
This is how we prioritize ourselves in this situation.
Step 2: We Always Make Sure That We Are Strong Enough To Be True To Ourselves
Part of successfully dating someone with anxiety is to always make sure that we are strong. Even if we do not choose to spend a lot of energy helping our partner to absolve their anxieties, it is still a massive help to be a stable rock for ourselves.
If your partner has anxiety, and then you have anxiety, and you start feeding each other’s anxiety… that creates a negative feedback loop that can spiral out of control. That is not a healthy way to exist… and as men, we must make sure to stop any negative cycle that may try to take hold of us.
To do this, we always stay strong. Even if we don’t have the energy to help our partner with their anxiety, at least we can keep from putting our anxiety, if any, onto them. And that is a huge help.
Step 3: Understand That Anxiety Will Sometimes Look Like It Should Be Your Responsibility, Even If It Isn’t
Let’s go through a scenario.
In this scenario, let’s say that I have met a woman and asked her out on a date. We have had multiple dates before this one, and are still seeing each other, maybe once or twice a week. We have no agreements to be monogamous, and we are not technically ‘together,’ we are just going on dates. There is no ‘relationship agreement.’
Scenario 1 – Mild Insecurity/Anxiety
Woman: Hey, can we talk? I’ve been feeling detached from you lately.
Me: You have been feeling detached? Tell me how you feel.
Woman: I think that I might be having insecurities about us. Nothing in particular has happened. I guess I am just worried that you don’t like me as much as you did a few weeks ago.
Me: Ok. Well, I hope you know that I think the world of you. There is nothing wrong. Everything is fine on my end. But I am working right now, so I don’t really have time to get super deep into this at this moment. If you would like, we can talk more about it over dinner tonight.
In this situation, which has happened many times in my life, the woman is having anxiety about our relationship.
I was too busy at that moment to really dive into it, and I made that boundary known in a kind, but respectful way. But I did want to give her space to talk about it later on. I want to do that because I care about her.
But sometimes, it isn’t always this clear cut. Here is another scenario.
Scenario 2 – More Severe Insecurity/Anxiety
Woman: Hey, if you don’t want to see me anymore just say so.
Me: What? What is this about?
Woman: You haven’t texted me in two days. Where I come from, that isn’t how you show you care for someone.
(At this point, I realize that I have not actually done anything rude or mean to her. I have been busy… plus, I understand that there is no binding agreement that tells me to text her every day. This is most likely her feeling insecure about the relationship, and angry that I have not texted her.)
Me: You are always free to text me whenever you want. You didn’t text me either. I do care for you, but I am a very busy person. We are scheduled to go to dinner tomorrow evening. If you would like, we could talk about it then.
Here, I didn’t make an excuse. I didn’t say I was sorry. I didn’t try to ‘explain’ why I didn’t do something that she had no reason to expect me to do in the first place.
But… a lot of men, when confronted like this, will immediately apologize and try to explain themselves in a defensive manner… which not only makes them look weak, but it also makes it evident that they are not strong enough in their own self-prioritization to see when their boundaries are being violated.
The truth of the matter is that I didn’t cause this person’s insecurities. They were probably caused because of unresolved trauma in the person’s life, and have nothing in particular to do with me.
However, even so, a lot of men will apologize as if they were the cause. And I 100% would always encourage men not to fall prey to this. If you did something wrong, own up to it, apologize, and correct your behavior.
If you didn’t… then DO NOT apologize. You did not cause this. It is not your fault.
Scenario 3 – A Very Tiny Bit Of Insecurity/Anxiety, Balanced With Healthy Respect And Presented In A Positive, Reasonable Way
Now, if this girl had texted and said something like…
Woman: Hey, I haven’t heard from you in two days. I know that you are busy! I just wanted to make sure that we were still on for tomorrow night. I’m looking forward to it!
This is an example of a woman who is respecting your boundaries much more. To this message, I would tend to respond like this…
Me: Hey, it’s good to hear from you! I am looking forward to it as well. Thank you for being understanding… I AM very busy! I will see you tomorrow night at 7!
This type of woman clearly understands the need to be reasonable. But she is also putting her insecurities (if you could even call them that… she might just be double-checking to confirm) out there for you to respond to without making it your problem or your responsibility.
This type of woman is a treasure! Treat her kindly and respectfully, and return her rationality with gratitude and appreciation! Also, pay for her dinner… she may be a keeper!
Scenario 4 – Intense/Explosive Insecurity/Anxiety, And Passive Aggression
Here is another example of something quite different…
Woman: Well, I haven’t heard from you in two days. If you wanted to sleep with someone else and dump me you could have just said so. Have a nice life.
(Keep in mind that we are still operating under the assumption that we have a dinner scheduled tomorrow evening at 7, and that we never had a relationship agreement… so even if you did sleep with someone else, you are not violating any rules.)
This is an example that is more ‘passive aggressive’ and much less respectful. In this case, the woman seems to not only believe that she was entitled to something that she wasn’t entitled to, but also seems to be holding you to some kind of standard (monogamy with her) that you never agreed to (assuming that you never agreed to one).
In my experience, women do not usually just wake up and plan to send passive aggressive text messages.
They usually get really, really upset by their own anxieties and insecurities… and even if they know that what they are doing or saying isn’t rational, they might have so much pressure built up by their insecurities and anxieties (which were likely caused by very unpleasant that it all explodes when they finally do say something.
Men who have bad anxiety, and don’t know how to manage it, do this as well, obviously. It isn’t a good situation… for anyone.
Needless to say, it is important that, as men, we learn how to handle these things appropriately.
Responding To Explosive Or Passive Aggressive Messages
Here is how I would respond to the more passive aggressive message.
First, I would need to decide if this woman is worth it.
Do I want to continue seeing her, even after this ‘outburst?’ Or is this a sign that I need to move on?
I would advise most men to just move on and not respond to this message. Someone who allows their anxiety to get this bad, that they would explode at you over it like this, is not the kind of person you want a relationship with.
This is not even the kind of person you want to let into your life… for many reasons.
If, for some reason, you, as a man, are going to make the conscious choice to go ahead and try to navigate this… then I might respond with something like this.
Me: Ok, tell me what is going on here. We have plans to meet up tomorrow at 7. You know that I am a very busy person. Your text sounded passive aggressive to me, and honestly I don’t feel like that was called for. I don’t owe you a text. If you wanted to talk, you could have texted me and just asked me how my day was. What is going on here? Are you dealing with insecurities? Are you having anxiety? Are you having a bad day? What is going on? And for the record… this type of text is NOT OK to send me. I am a peaceful man, and I treat the people in my life with kindness and respect. Passive aggression will NOT be tolerated. So if you want to continue talking to me at all, you will need to cease all passive aggression immediately.
Personally, that is how I would respond to such a passive aggressive text. And if she continued to argue, or tried to deny it, or tried to deflect it, or didn’t apologize for some reason… then I would immediately cease all contact, no exceptions.
I did nothing to her to warrant that kind of passive aggressive behavior. It is simply uncalled for.
Respect goes two ways. If you are always working hard at being kind and respectful to others, then you must also have a zero-tolerance policy for people treating you unkindly or with a lack of respect.
“I vow to be steadfast in my position… never wavering, never allowing or tolerating disrespect, dissent, or weaker thinking a place in my circle.”
8th Vow of the Oath Of Kings
Give them one chance to mend their behavior by calling attention to the problem, using healthy confrontation and direct honesty.
If they persist… they obviously cannot give you the kind of kindness that you are giving them… and it is just in your best interest to move on, regardless of why they are acting that way… be it anxiety, depression, or simply bad manners or a lack of discipline on their part!
Step 4: Be Very Careful About Who You Share Your Sexuality And Bed With
I see a lot of men who are so desperate for a relationship, to have a girlfriend, to be loved, to be touched, for someone to have sex with, to be appreciated, to be desired, etc. that they will actually endure a lot of verbal and emotional nonsense from low-value women, just so that they don’t jeopardize their chances with her!
These types of men probably have a very real fear of being alone. But it is not healthy.
I’ve heard so many men ask “why can’t I get a date with a girl?” And my heart goes out to these men. Because it can be very difficult to get out of that ‘hole of loneliness’ that men feel when they truly desire a woman’s presence in their lives… but they don’t know how to make it happen.
But men, we must all learn to realize that a high value man is the exact type of man that high-value women will not only seek out, but also show respect to.
This is why the best way to win with women in the long term is to become a true, powerful, high value, effective alpha male in your own life… and pursue excellence first, before worrying about winning with women.
Take responsibility for yourself. Learn to be strong for yourself. Learn to make your own money, produce your own happiness, and create your own destiny.
As you grow in power and effectiveness, you will not only become a better man for yourself, but also for the people you love and care about.
When it comes to dating someone with anxiety, it is very important not to lose sight of that.
If you meet a wonderful woman who has anxiety, and you want to go ahead and date, hook-up-with, or pursue a relationship with her… do it! Just remember to maintain healthy boundaries, and not to lose yourself in someone else’s anxiety.
But also, be aware of the effect that this person’s anxiety has on you. And if you find that it is just too much, be a strong enough man to learn to say that enough is enough, and be strong enough to break it off before your life is affected by it.
We Must Maintain Our Strength To Be Effective
As men, we must maintain our strength to be effective.
And the problem with dating someone with anxiety that is just too bad, is that it can really throw our lives out of kilter.
When you share sex with someone, open up your home to them, and bring them into your bedroom… you are opening up a part of your life that is supposed to be filled with peace, happiness, pleasure, mutual life betterment, smiles, laughing, and positivity.
If, however, it creates stress, pressure, expectations, judgement, or negativity of any kind… well, it is not healthy.
As strong men, we need to be 100% sure that we are not the cause of needless suffering.
(Check out my post about gender equality here… I believe it to be relevant!)
And so, we strive to be happy and healthy, so that other people can rely on us to be kind and respectful, but also firm in our boundaries.
And we must also learn not to tolerate behavior that is not good for us.
In Conclusion
Hopefully this post has helped to shed some light on my thoughts about dating someone with anxiety.
There is a lot more to this discussion that I could add, and insecurity is definitely not the only manifestation of anxiety that humans can present. But these are what I consider to be the most important points to be aware of when it comes to dating.
Stick with it, gentlemen. Be powerful, strong men. Date, have sex, and pursue relationships with kindness, respect, and healthy boundaries… and be quick to cut out people who do not respect the boundaries you have in place for yourself.
Go with grace, and never give up your power.
Till next time…
Joshua K. Sigafus