Does the push pull dating method actually work?
Ladies, I love you—but this one is for the gentlemen.
If you’ve spent much time at all reading about pickup artistry, game, seduction, or even the concept of learning dating strategies—then you’ve probably come across this concept at least a time or two.
The idea with the push-pull dating method is that you neg women with negative comments (this is the push) and then bring them back in with positive comments (this is the pull) to put the cherry on top of your awesome ‘seduction cake.’
And to be honest, the concept is grounded in some fairly accurate attraction science.
However, in my experience (and in my ongoing quest to learn more about the actual science of human mating behavior), I’ve come to the conclusion that most people get it wrong, and that the push-pull method is best utilized and characterized in a way that’s slightly different than tends to be described in ‘classic’ pickup artistry terms.
Let’s dive into it.
The Concept Behind The Push Pull Dating Method
The concept behind the push-pull method is actually fairly accurate, and is based pretty soundly on some solid attraction science, though the way it’s usually portrayed in ‘classic pick-up artistry’ isn’t quite as effective as it has the potential to be.
There’s actually some pretty solid female mating behavior science that goes into the idea of the push-pull method.
So just to recap, the push-pull method is best defined as a flirtation and bantering technique where you nag (or ‘push’) a woman using negative comments, and then ‘pull’ her back to you with positive, affirming comments.
Basically, the push-pull dating method is really just a concept that enforces the idea that, as a man, you should get a woman to want to qualify herself to you.
Why is this important?
The truth of the matter is that women really only want to date and mate with men who are better than them (in other words, higher in attraction levels).
See, women are looking for the best deal they can get on the dating marketplace.
They’re ‘hypergamous’ by nature, and typically want a man who is at least one notch above them in attraction levels.
Never forget—on the dating marketplace, men are the competitors, and women are the selectors.
Women come into the dating marketplace with a certain amount of built-in inherent sexual value, and are naturally born into sexual abundance—while men, by baseline standards, need to create or prove their value in order to achieve abundance and be selected by women.
- Men don’t carry much inherent sexual value just by merit of being a man.
- Women, on the other hand, do by virtue of having valuable reproductive faculties housed right within their bodies.
Men, instead, need to create value in the world (and thus, create dating marketplace abundance) by generating resources and solving problems (being effective, high-value alpha-mentality men).
You can learn a bit more about this by reading this post: How Men Can Project High Value While Dating – Top 5 Strategies.
And you can learn a little bit about this ‘competitor/selector’ dynamic here: We’re All Hunter-Gatherers In The Sexual Arena.
This is why women are mainly looking for men who broadcast high-value markers in all of the following, most relevant male sexual attraction metrics.
The male sexual value metrics:
- Tribal connections
- Leadership abilities
- An athletic body
With all this being said, it is a good idea to try to get women to qualify themselves to you as a man if you can actually manage it during dating interactions.
The idea here is that, if you can successfully manage this, it means that you’ve managed to put yourself into a position where the woman to at least some degree feels as though she needs to prove or demonstrate her value to you.
And this is certainly an advantageous position to be in as a man.
By definition, this generally means that there’s at least some part of her that sees you as being at least high enough in value that the idea of qualifying herself to you is worth the effort.
And women don’t care about qualifying themselves to men they’re not interested in.
With that being said, I also believe that the push-pull method, in general, is usually misused—and I’ll explain how.
I’m also going to explain how you can slightly adjust it to make it incredibly effective.
Yes, As A Man, You Want To Get Women To Qualify Themselves To You
This is a pretty solid dating strategy for men.
What we don’t want to do is put ourselves into situations where we are pedestalizing women or qualifying ourselves to them.
Yes, women are the selectors, and men are the competitors.
However, the truth of the matter is that women desire confident high-value men who are already sexually abundant.
The reason for this is because women use the desire of other women as a vetting tool, to help them determine if a man has enough value to be desirable.
And if you’re a man who’s living in true sexual abundance, you’d never put a woman on a pedestal or try to qualify yourself to her—because you don’t need to.
You already have plenty of female attention—and thus, there’s no reason to pedestalize her.
The energy that you want to carry with you as a man in the first stages of the interaction is this:
She is just another woman—and you already have an abundance of mating opportunities and options. So you’re not desperate for her attention.
A man who puts himself into this type of situation, with this type of energy, puts himself into a situation to be a highly desirable man to women.
And of course, the best way to do this is by increasing all of the male sexual value metrics that matter—striving to be an alpha mentality man, the best man in the room, and learning basic dating techniques that will empower you to interface with women in a more productive and positive way.
With that being said, truly negging a woman, in my experience, isn’t the best way to shift her perception of you and get her to want to qualify herself.
At least, not in the fullest sense of the word.
No, You Should Not ‘Neg’ Women To The Point Where You’re Mean, Rude, Or Talking ‘Down’ To Them
I’ve heard several pickup artists describe ‘negging’ as almost being akin to making subtle, negative, rude, or even derogatory comments towards women in an attempt to take their ego down a notch, or even slightly hurt their feelings or insult them.
The idea here, as espoused by some pickup artists (not all of them) is to knock the hot woman/queen/bitch off of her high horse, and take her to a lower level—hopefully, one that’s psychologically below you—by pinging her confidence levels with negative remarks.
Keep in mind that not all pickup artists espouse the use of negative tactics like this.
And the word ‘negging’ doesn’t even always imply that this is what you’re supposed to do.
However, I’ve seen it happen this way far too often.
I’ve seen men deploy it while interacting with women, and I’ve also tested it in my own dating life—and I can tell you from experience that it’s not a long-term strategy for alpha-mentality dating success.
Yes, you’re going to create some emotional impact if you make negative, derogatory, or insulting comments—and yes, this could actually lead to you scoring some hookups with some types of women, believe it or not.
However, in the long term, this strategy lends itself to more ‘beta mentality energy’ than alpha mentality energy.
And it also threatens to sabotage the likelihood that you’ll be able to make relationships with high-value women work on a regular, consistent, and predictable basis.
(Note: If you want to learn more about this alpha-mentality business, download my free ebook: An Introduction To The Alpha Mentality: The Evolutionary Key To Succeeding At Dating, Relationships, Business, Fitness, And Everything Else That Matters. It’ll explain everything you need to know to get a basic understanding of what this means.)
It’s also true that negging alpha mentality women who understand human mating behavior will most definitely sabotage your odds of being able to succeed with those women.
And to me, this is probably the biggest deal breaker.
Personally, when I’m dating, I’m not just trying to play a game to score with low-value beta mentality women.
I strive to be an alpha mentality man who’s living in true abundance—who attracts high-value alpha mentality women—and I’m quite successful at this.
I also have a very solid and proven track record where once women have dated me and/or slept with me, they tend to want to continue to do so and seek to remain in my frame.
In other words, my dating retention record is pretty high.
And part of the reason for this is because I don’t employ tactics like this (negging).
With that being said, I do utilize a modified version of the push-pull technique in my own interactions with women, and I’ll describe how it works.
Instead Of Push Pull, Deploy Light Teasing And Funny, Friendly Banter
Whenever I’m interacting with a woman, I strive to keep the conversation light-hearted, fun, and friendly. Sometimes, during the ‘connection’ phase of the interaction, I’ll also delve into some deeper topics in an attempt to legitimately learn about the woman sitting across from me.
But I also deploy a bit of teasing, joking, and back-and-forth banter to elicit positive emotional responses.
Here’s the key difference.
When I tease a woman, I’m actually technically ‘negging’ her, but to a very limited degree—and I never take it so far that it might actually hurt her feelings.
See, the real goal isn’t to create an emotional impact with negative emotion.
The key is to create a positive emotional impact.
And the best way to do this is to tease and/or deploy comedic humor in a way that makes her laugh, that engages her humor, and that causes the conversation to feel very alive, friendly, and positive while also dipping into slight ‘teasing’ territory that causes her to feel as though she needs to qualify herself to me in subtle, less ‘serious’ ways.
To me, this has been overwhelmingly more successful than any attempt to utilize true ‘negging’ to the point where it dips into negative emotional territory.
Don’t Be Boring, But Don’t Take It So Far That You’re Actually ‘Negging’
Now, some men take the ‘nice guy’ business to the extreme.
Instead of using light teasing and friendly banter to keep the conversation fun, they actually just stay too far over in ‘safe nice-guy’ territory, and end up being really boring.
You can be many things with women, but boring isn’t one of them.
A woman will rule out a boring man a lot quicker than you might imagine.
In fact, being ‘too boring,’ and not teasing or negging at all is sure to buy you a one-way ticket to the friendzone.
With that being said, you don’t have to tread on eggshells with women either.
You can tease a woman to a pretty significant and ‘fun’ extent without hurting her feelings or dipping into mean-spirited territory.
It’s all about reading the conversation and the context, and making sure that your comments are well placed and respectful of the level of banter you’ve established.
I’m definitely not above giving a woman a hard time, teasing her a little bit, making ‘rediculous’ comments, or even making light playful insults that aren’t mean-spirited in any way.
You can learn more about how to do this in this post: How to Flirt With a Girl: 8 Tips That’ll Make You a Natural.
And this is really the key. The key is to have fun and to elicit a positive emotional impact.
In other words, don’t avoid the ‘negging’ altogether. Just make sure that you’re utilizing it in a manner that isn’t going to elicit a serious negative emotional reaction.
You want to create an emotional impact—but you want this impact to be positive.
Hopefully, this post has helped you to understand the answer to the question: Does the push-pull dating method actually work?
I’ll admit—when I was younger, this used to confuse me.
But the more I gain real-world experience with women, and the better I get at succeeding with women, the more I realized that the real key is to create positive emotional impact.
I believe that this is the alpha mentality way.
I believe that strong alpha mentality men should imagine themselves as huge, powerful giants who are playing with a little kitten when they’re flirting with a woman.
Women tend to have delicate feelings—and understanding how to navigate the sensitivity of that social dynamic is important, and sends important signals about your level of emotional intelligence as a man.
This isn’t to say that you need to put her on a pedestal or be a simp.
It’s just to say that when you do tease and give her a hard time, you want to do so in a light-hearted manner that’s more likely to elicit a laugh and a playful response than to actually ping her confidence or make her feel bad about herself.
Personally, I believe that this is the winning strategy—and I’ve seen it evidenced to an incredible degree in my own life.
That’s it for this one.
Go with grace my friends, and never give up your power.
This is Joshua K. Sigafus signing off.