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dont let dating failures define you

Don’t Let Your Dating Failures Define You

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Hello ladies and gentlemen. In this blog post, I’m going to talk about dating failures… and why you should not let them define you.  

Failures happen. They’re not fun, but they are a fact of life. And they are going to happen to you. 

But that’s not something to be afraid of.  

In fact, I’m about to turn your idea of being a ‘dating failure’ on its head.  

Believe it or not, when we set out to improve our dating lives, our goal is not to avoid failing. 

The thing about failing, whether it’s in dating, getting rejected, getting broken up with, never feeling like you look as good as you want to, feeling like you’re terrible at flirting, failing to get numbers, failing to strike up conversations, etc. Whatever dating failure looks like to you… it’s important to know that the goal is to learn from our failures, and to make them our greatest lessons. 

Starting today, I want you to release yourself from the idea that avoiding failure is the goal. It isn’t. In fact, we need to fail if we really want to win in life. 

This is just as true in dating as it is in leadership, in business, in relationships… or in anything we wish to achieve.

Fail often. Fail spectacularly. Fail and laugh about it. 

Here’s the truth. The men and women who are most willing to fail are usually the ones who end up succeeding the most. 

I Have Learned More About Dating, Attraction, And Human Mating Behavior From My Failed Experiences Than From The Successful Ones 

Why?

Because when you succeed, you’re just happy that it happened. You think to yourself “oh, this is so nice. I’m so glad this happened.”

And that’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with that. 

But I’m here to tell you a truth that you may not want to hear… that the real sh*t happens when you fail. 

Failure is actually what propels us forward in life. It’s the meat and potatoes of our diet as alphas. 

When you lift weights, lifting tiny weights might feel like success, because you’re getting a ton of reps in. But in truth, you’re not helping yourself. 

You’re just going through motions without accomplishing anything. You’re not growing.

You actually need to lift heavy enough waits that they tear your muscles apart, resulting in a literal failure to be able to do any more reps. 

When it comes to dating, success after success only breeds weakness. Failures, on the other hand, breed tenacity, wisdom, experience, and strength. 

Dating failures, no matter how demoralizing they might be in the minute, give you a powerful metric to measure your future success and efforts against. 

These are the incidents that make you ask yourself “why didn’t this go the way I wanted it to? Why did this end up so badly? What could have been done to avoid this?”

That’s how we turn failures into great lessons. This is very important, because we want to grow and get better in life. As true alphas, we want to be the people who reframe our failures, and think about them as powerful learning experiences

If you want to succeed in life, it is vitally important to learn how to reframe failure and see it as an actual successful learning experience. 

This may seem counterintuitive, but hear me out. 

Changing Your Mindset About Failure Transforms Your Experience And Helps You To Grow

“Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.”

When you embrace this mindset, and go into every situation thinking, “it doesn’t matter if I succeed or fail. If I succeed, it’ll be awesome. If I fail, I’ll learn something that’ll help me to succeed next time…” you become truly unstoppable. 

If you can reframe dating failures in your mind, and find confidence and power in them by thinking of them as significant learning experiences, you literally cannot lose in the long run

Why? Because every single situation is going to work toward your eventual success. 

Every single situation will either bring you the joy and glory of victory, or another bit of wisdom to add to your life experience… which will help you to succeed even more in the future. 

Your Early Dating Experiences May Not All Be Positive. That’s OK. Grow And Learn

When you first start trying to date, if you’re like most people, you are going to hit some roadblocks and have a few bad experiences. 

God knows that I had a lot of bad dating experiences as a teenager… and they didn’t get much better in my 20s, either. 

But if you’re willing to learn, these bad experiences don’t last forever. 

And that’s an important factor. You need to realize that dating and attraction are skillsets, and that you can train yourself to get better at them. 

So do what it takes to level-up in those skills.

You may start listening to podcasts, reading blogs, reading books, getting some coaching, or whatever it takes for you to learn… and then you’ll start to see improvement. 

That’s awesome. But it still won’t keep you from experiencing failure. 

I’m literally a dating coach. Whenever I walk into a room, I can be 99% sure that I know more about human mating behavior, pickup, flirting, engagement, and forming connections than anyone else in the room. 

Does this keep me from failing? Does it enable me to pick up any woman I want? Does it mean that I never fail when I try to get a woman’s number, or when I try to ask a lady out on a date?

Absolutely not… and that’s not even the point of it. 

But what failure has done for me is that it has helped me to learn some of my biggest lessons and put them behind me. Every time I fail, I learn something that I carry with me into my next interaction with a high-value woman. 

The result? I’m so much better than I used to be. Nowadays, I’m confident and experienced. I can navigate the dating marketplace with the calculated wisdom of someone who has been through the trenches and lived to tell the tale. 

I’ve been rejected more times than most men or women have ever tried! 

I’ve spent more hours reading books and learning about human mating behavior than most people spend on their favorite hobbies! 

And trust me… that counts for something. Because with every passed lesson, I increase my level of wisdom and my odds of success. 

As a result, I’ve already lived an amazing dating life… the kind of life that most men only dream about and fantasize about while watching porn and jerking off. 

I’ve lived it in real life, many times over. And I continue to do so, even to this day. 

My dating life can be, and is, exactly what I want it to be.

But I would never have gotten to do some of the crazy awesome things I’ve done with some of the wonderful partners I’ve had if I had not failed, and failed, and failed… and learned, learned, learned from those experiences. 

When I Turned 30, I Realized That I Was Tired Of Not Understanding How The Dating Marketplace Worked

Winners are not afraid of losing. But losers are

I was tired of rejection. I was tired of ‘losing’ every person I was interested in. I was tired of failing all the time. 

But you see, before I transformed my life and embraced the alpha mentality, I only thought of failures as major setbacks. They were depressing and demoralizing to me. 

(Check out my post on what it means to be an alpha female.)

But that’s not how we need to frame them. 

Once I started to understand how important it was to think of failures as lessons, I started making drastic improvements to my life. I started to look at every situation as a positive experience. 

Even if I failed epically, I STILL learned SO MUCH about women, dating, and human mating behavior that the experience was more than worth the time and trouble. 

But I needed to understand how important it was to learn from my mistakes. I needed to keep my pride and feelings from getting in the way. I needed to embrace the truth about the dating marketplace… That it operates by a specific set of rules, fashioned by nature and evolutionary adaptation… and that if I wanted to have a better experience, I needed to learn these rules and navigate them wisely. 

You Can Choose To Make Your Dating Life Whatever You Want It To Be – But You Need To Be Willing To Do The Work

In other words, you need to be willing to fail. 

A lot. 

But I have good news for you. 

If you’re willing to keep trying, and if you refuse to give up after failing, you are bound to find success on the other side. 

This is the most powerful common denominator. 

I’m telling you, I’ve been rejected and turned down so many times that it would boggle your mind. 

I’ve had women laugh at me and walk away from me. 

I’ve had women make fun of me and say rude things to my face. 

I’ve had women act like I was nothing but an embarrassment for even TRYING to ask them out. 

I’ve had women obviously completely ignore me on purpose, just because they saw me trying to talk to them as an inconvenience.

But you know what? I knew enough to understand that this was mostly my fault. I wasn’t doing it right. I wasn’t holding frame and being the naturally masculine man I needed to be.

So I didn’t give up. 

I kept at it. I kept learning. Every time a woman rejected me, I would shake it off, hold my head high, and try again (not with the same girl, of course… with a different one. Don’t ask the same girl over and over again). 

And eventually, as I gained practice and confidence, women stopped laughing. They stopped ignoring me.

Now, even the prettiest, hottest woman in the room will sometimes act shy and awkward around me. 

My confidence and my experience is evident. Women pick up on it without even knowing me. 

Sometimes, I don’t even have to talk. Women have told me many times that they can see it in my body language. They can see and feel that I’m confident without even interacting with me directly.

This doesn’t mean that I always succeed. But it does mean that I understand more. And that makes the process of flirting and engaging with beautiful women much more enjoyable. 

Here’s the key. 

I didn’t give up when I failed. Instead, I looked at every failure as a learning opportunity. 

And after so many lessons, I eventually became a master. 

And guess what? So can you. 

Go with grace, my friends, and never give up your power. 

Joshua K. Sigafus