Let me tell you a quick story.
After my divorce (had been married for 10 years), I found myself struggling to love myself.
I struggled with self-validation, and I didn’t feel like I was really worth anything as a human.
This led to me trying to validate myself with women. I was really focused on getting a girlfriend, which led to me jumping into a few things a bit too quickly, before I really knew what I was getting myself into.
Eventually, I found myself in a short boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with a woman whom I will call ‘Sarah.’
Well, Sarah and I met online, and pretty much hit it off right away. We had a lot of fun together, and the sexual chemistry was really high.
She really liked me, and that made me feel desired and important.
(The first clue that this was heading in the wrong direction was that I wasn’t self-validating. I was trying to find my value in other people… and Sarah was one of them.)
But I also started to notice that Sarah and I weren’t compatible in a lot of other ways.
I Decided To Break Up With Her After Being Together For About 3 Months
Now, back then, I wasn’t good at breaking up with people. But I knew that Sarah and I were not going to be good for each other long term.
So, I did it.
She was really upset and angry with me.
But I knew that I had done the right thing.
Right?
About three hours later, I found myself at the gym… trying to continue my day as usual.
But I kept thinking about Sarah, and I kept asking myself this question.
“Josh, did you make a mistake? What if this woman was really good for you, and you just messed it up?”
I started to panic.
Dumpers Regret – Often Called Breakup Regret, Is A Real Thing, And It Happens – But It Doesn’t Mean That The Breakup Was A Bad Decision
After a breakup, it is perfectly normal to feel regret, sadness, and remorse.
Yes, dumpers regret is real. It happens when you initiate a breakup, and almost immediately begin to second-guess yourself and rethink it.
It happens, and is pretty common.
Why?
Because the relationship probably wasn’t 100% bad.
In my relationship with Sarah, there were a lot of good things to enjoy.
But the problem was that there wasn’t quite enough ‘good’ to make it last long term.
When we break up with someone, we mourn the good things. That is normal, healthy, and expected.
However, by recognizing the bad and ending the relationship, I was actually setting myself free so that when the ‘right’ woman came along, I would be free in my life to pursue her.
This also freed me up to casually date again, and have some great experiences as a single man.
I was actually doing the right thing for me.
You see, just because you broke up with someone, doesn’t mean that they were totally bad.
We still mourn the parts of it we enjoyed.
And this can lead to us overthinking it and second-guessing ourselves.
What To Do When You Feel Breakup Regret
When you feel breakup regret after a breakup, try to make a list of the reasons for why you broke up in the first place.
In my case with Sarah, the reasons looked like this.
- She was actually pretty selfish
- She tended to nag me when I didn’t do what she wanted
- She had low self-confidence and acted really jealous
- She would tend to fly off the handle when things happened that upset her
These 4 things were not compatible with me. I didn’t want them in my life.
I wanted peace, rationality, and self-validation. I was busy learning how to validate myself… I didn’t need to be focused on validating someone else just because they had low self esteem!
But, there were many other things that were great with Sarah and I. For example…
- The sex was amazing
- We had fun adventures together
- We laughed together often
- We had the makings of a great friendship
These 4 things are awesome. And after the breakup, I really missed them.
But I had to keep in mind that while these things were very good, they did not cancel out the bad things.
I needed to ignore the dumpers regret and move past it.
Find The Right Person For You
Keep leveling up in life and trying to find the person who really really compliments your life.
Find someone who has done at least as much sef-work as you have.
Find someone with a long list of benefits, with almost zero negative points!
These types of partners are out there. Nobody is perfect… but a lasting relationship requires that the two of you be on the same page on a lot of things.
And if you learn that you are not right for each other, the best thing to do is to end it and move on.
Breakups Aren’t Fun
But don’t let dumpers regret cause you to second guess or doubt yourself.
Keep leveling up, minding your business, chasing your money, and pursuing your purpose!
Go with grace, my friends… and never give up your power!
Until next time…
Joshua K. Sigafus