Building genuine connection is crucial to a thriving, fulfilling dating life.
But how do you do it?
A lot of people miss the point on this. But in this post, I’m going to show you exactly how to start cultivating more authentic, genuine connections in your dating life.
And it begins with a story.
Last week, I went through the drive-thru at one of my favorite local taco eateries.
But the person who took my money at the window wasn’t the same person who usually took it.
There was a ‘new girl’ working the window.
She was beautiful.
Her dark hair was tied up into a ponytail, she had a thick accent, wonderful dark eyes… the works.
She was lovely!
So naturally, I had to ask her for her number.
When she handed me my food, I looked her in the eyes, smiled a genuine smile…
And this is exactly what I said.
“Hey, I have to ask. Can I get your number?”
Could I have used a more clever pickup line?
But I didn’t. I kept it simple.
She looked back at me, smiled, and our eyes locked.
And the chemistry that existed in that moment was incredible.
She did inform me that she had a boyfriend.
I was a little bit disappointed, of course. But I didn’t let it show. I smiled, nodded in understanding, and said…
“Gotcha. Very understandable! Well, have a great day. Thank you!”
Then, I drove off.
It may not seem like a glaring success. But to be honest, I just felt really good about taking my chance.
And that strong connection I felt during that moment of vulnerability jolted back to me the reality of how important it is to forge real, genuine connections with real people in the real world.
And to explain this, I’m going to go over 5 ways to create more genuine connection in your dating life.
Let’s jump into it.
5 Ways To Create More Genuine Connection In Your Dating Life
1. Make Strong, Courageous Eye Contact
Making eye contact is incredibly important for building strong, organic connection.
They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul—and there’s a certain truth to this.
We perceive with our eyes. And when we look deeply into someone else’s eyes, allowing ourselves to courageously experience them on a deeper level… a certain kind of ‘magic’ happens.
This doesn’t mean that they’re guaranteed to fall in love with you.
But it does increase the odds of that happening… for sure.
I think it’s also important to note that this kind of connection is much more difficult to build online.
Maybe we should all spend less time on dating apps, and more time interacting with attractive people out in the real world.
I think if we did, more people would have a better dating experience.
2. Display Full Attention And Intent Toward The Person Of Interest
One of the saddest things I see in the dating world today is people drawn deeply into their phones, ignoring the real humans around them.
This speaks to our society’s deep-set problem with distraction.
I love technology. I love the internet, and I love the digital world.
But when other humans are spending time with me, I make a sincere effort to put my phone away and be present in the moment.
And when I want to cultivate true, genuine connection with someone, I make sure to set my full attention upon them.
I will look at them, stand or sit facing them, practice open body language, and make sure that they know that I’m interested in them and that their presence in my life, at this moment, means more to me than my phone or the million other distractions that could come between us.
Be intentional about what you focus on. Building deeper connections with potential dating partners begins with where you focus your attention.
3. Ask Questions That Go Deeper Than Surface Level
Asking good questions is really important to the process of building genuine connection.
Make sure to ask questions about what the other person cares about.
Learn about them.
Find out what they’re passionate about, how they feel about things… what brings them joy, and what makes them sad.
And don’t just ask ‘yes or no’ questions.
Ask them to explain and go in-depth with it.
When people open up to you and share, it helps build connection… and it works.
4. Share Your Own Thoughts, Ideas, And Vulnerabilities: Be Radically Honest
Asking someone to share their thoughts, ideas, passions, fears, and vulnerabilities with you is one part of the ‘connection’ process.
But the other part is just as important.
You also need to share.
It’s nearly impossible to build connection when you don’t share deeper levels of yourself as well.
This is how we create what I call the ‘connection loop.’
- We ask good questions to learn about the other person
- The other person answers those questions
- Usually, they ask follow-up questions
- If we want to close the loop and build genuine connection, we need to make sure that our answers are at least as honest and deep as their’s were, or maybe even deeper
I’m not telling you to start telling your sob stories to potential dating partners.
I’m not even telling you to go ‘super deep.’
I’m talking about just going below the surface to present something uniquely ‘you.’
Instead of saying:
“I like that movie because it has good graphics and a good story. I like good stories and graphics.”
Say something like…
“I loved that movie because it was so deep. The plot dealt with some pretty serious shit, in my opinion. I loved the main character because she was brave, and thrust into this situation beyond her control. I find that highly relatable. I find it inspiring, because honestly, that is kind of how I feel in a lot of ways…”
… See, you don’t have to make a big deal about it.
Just be genuine, share about yourself, and be 1000% YOU.
5. Make Sure That You Escalate
One of the biggest mistakes I see people make (especially men) when it comes to connection is that they start out strong… and then falter when the time comes to escalate.
Men and women deal with this problem. But since men are expected to sexually escalate things most of the time, the failure to do this usually falls on them.
When I’m building connection with a woman I may be interested in dating, I make sure to escalate the situation.
For example. Just last week, I went on a date with someone with whom I had instant, awesome connection. We started talking right away, and had a very lively conversation.
Less than an hour into our convo, I made sure to start flirting with her. I asked to see the ring on her finger, and held her hand as I examined it.
She gladly let me, which was a very good sign.
We decided to go to a different bar, and walked outside. As soon as we left the building, I went in for the kiss… and we shared a very passionate, lovely kiss right on the sidewalk in front of the building!
When men fail to escalate after building true connection, they are basically begging to be friendzoned.
Because women very quickly categorize men as either friends or romantic interests.
This may seem odd, but they don’t do it to be mean.
It’s actually an evolutionary mechanism to help them rule out bad or risky mate choices. This mechanism is called commitment skepticism bias.
And once they categorize you, it’s very difficult (if not impossible) to get them to change their mind.
So if you’re interested in her… make a move!
What Is A Genuine Connection?
Genuine connection occurs when two people open up deeper parts of themselves and share those parts with one-another.
That’s really all it is. It can be physical, mental, spiritual, sexual… there are all kinds of ways to connect.
But at the core, connection is about sharing, revealing, discovering, and being vulnerable.
How Do You Get A Real Connection With Someone?
The best way to develop a real connection with someone is to ask great questions, and then share your own truths and vulnerabilities with them.
You can also compound this by making strong eye contact, and making sure to escalate as you build connection.
Failing to escalate while you build attraction can leave you very open to getting friendzoned… especially if you’re a man!
If you’re interested in dating this person, make sure to sexually escalate while building connection.
How Do You Know You Have A Genuine Connection?
You’ll know when you have developed a genuine, two-way connection with someone when they seem equally interested in investing as much energy into the relationship as you.
- Does talking to this person feel easy?
- Do you feel like they meet your energy equally?
- Do you feel like they’re just as interested in talking to you as you are in talking to them?
- Does it seem like they want the same things (conversation, sex, intimacy, friendship, etc.) that you want, and do they actively meet you half-way in making sure that those things happen?
If so, then odds are good that both of you are building a true, genuine, equal connection.
When You Feel A Connection With Someone, Do They Feel It Too?
This is actually a really tricky question.
But oftentimes, we can fool ourselves into thinking that the answer is ‘yes’ when it actually isn’t.
Men are far more prone to doing this, due to a mechanism called sexual overperception bias.
This basically means that, sometimes, men think that women are sexually interested in them when they are actually just being friendly.
This is actually an evolutionary risk management behavior men adapted to help them minimize the risk of missed mating opportunities. But because of it, men sometimes think that women are feeling as much chemistry as they are while talking, flirting, etc.
And it isn’t always true.
The best way to know if someone may be equally connected to you is to watch for the subtle signs of sexual interest.
- For men: Check out this post to learn some surefire signs that a woman might be interested in you.
- For women: Check out this post to learn how to know if the guy you’re talking to actually wants you, for real.
Hopefully, this post has shown you some awesome, dynamic tips that you can use today to create more genuine connection in your dating life.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again:
It’s not rocket science.
It’s attraction science.
Go with grace, my friends, and never give up your power.
Until next time…
Joshua K. Sigafus