Today, I spent some time working on my upcoming book.
Within it, there’s a section called The Grand, Beautiful, And Mysterious Human Mating Dance.
And within this section, I wrote this.
“The problems that most people experience in their dating lives are like wounds. These wounds are made up of many things from their past that are currently keeping them from experiencing the truly fulfilling dating lives that they desire.
Learned patterns of behavior, emotional trauma from the past, hurt feelings we’ve endured as a result of rejection, bad advice we’ve gotten over the years from people who didn’t really know how the dating marketplace worked, personality quirks that we’ve never learned to sort through… all of these things can (and often do) sabotage our efforts to date effectively.
And that isn’t even all of it. The list goes on and on.
But unfortunately, most traditional dating advice fails to acknowledge how our mindset about dating in the modern world tends to be built on crumbling sets of false principles, facts, ideals, and outright mistruths about love, romance, attraction, and dating.
And at the end of the day, it is these foundational untruths that keep us from being as successful in the dating marketplace as we could be.
Because our trauma and shadow material from the past tends to get in the way of our organic, genuine expression of our true selves.”– Joshua K. Sigafus
So, all of this brings up a question.
How do we heal the wounds from our past, so that we can actually work on improving our dating life and moving forward successfully now?
This isn’t always an easy task.
And to a point, the answer will depend on your specific situation.
In my experience, there are a few things that everyone should do to work on themselves, to overcome their wounds and heal themselves from the trauma and shadow material of the past.
- Reading good books
- Studying successful people
- Leaving negative friends behind to join more positive circles
- Focus more on leveling up mind, body, and spirit
- Intentionally leaving behind the victim mentality
But the important thing to understand about all of this is that this healing process is important.
You have an obligation to heal your past trauma if you wish to be successful in the dating marketplace.
Because if you don’t, you’re bound to carry those wounds into your relationships, and spread that shadow material to other people.
This is something that you’ll do unconsciously, through small (or maybe large) quirks in your behavior.
See, when I first started this journey, I came to a place where I realized that I had some very toxic tendencies that were sabotaging my attempts at dating, and hunting the people I was trying to love.
I didn’t notice it at first. But this was partly because I was stuck in a ‘victim mentality.’
I was constantly blaming other people, society, how ‘unfair’ the world is, etc. for all of my problems.
This kept me from looking inside myself and understanding that my own wounds were the issue.
I was acting out this trauma over and over again, hurting the people I loved, and sabotaging my success.
I dated many wonderful women before I got all of this figured out. But the majority of these women ended up getting pushed away, due to my past trauma and shadow material.
I was unable to interface with them on a deeper human level.
Because I had ‘blockages’ that were made up of my wounds from the past.
See, I was learning the dating skills. So getting women to sleep with me wasn’t the issue.
The issue came later, as I was trying to connect on a deeper level.
But even so, for a lot of people, this trauma keeps them from engaging with potential dating partners on every level.
It may even be hindering your ability to walk up to people and talk to them.
It may be seriously sabotaging your sex life, or causing you to be paranoid.
And it’s important to heal it.
Unfortunately, this process is so unique to every person that I can’t really write a detailed guide for how to overcome it.
The best I can do is to lay out the overarching principles and steps that helped me to work through my own, so that you can apply this basic framework to your own life, in your own way, and begin your own healing process, unique and specific to you.
How To Heal Your Wounds From The Past So That You Can Move Past Them To Improve Your Dating Life
Here are the steps I took to transform my life through healing my past wounds:
- Acknowledge your role in your dating failures
- Understand that your role in these failures is probably coming from trauma that’s blocking you from being able to genuinely and authentically interface with other humans
- Look back into your past, to see where this trauma or shadow material started. You can usually begin this search by looking for your fears, and figuring out where those fears originated from
- Try to locate the formative experiences that shaped your faulty worldview
- Come to the understanding that those experiences shaped you, and that those learned behaviors are no longer serving you anymore
- Identify the behaviors that are no longer serving you, and figure out what type of behavior you should replace them with
- Work on building powerful habits into your life that will serve as a means for replacing the old behavior with the new behavior
This all takes time and practice.
Sometimes, it takes years.
But here’s the good news.
For me, it worked. And it was worth it.
I’m now almost 4 years into my newest relationship. This is the second-longest relationship I’ve ever had, and it continues to get better every day.
Because I continue to heal my trauma and shadow material, and let go of behaviors that are no longer serving me.
But it may take time.
Be patient and do the work. It’s worth it.
Go with grace, my friends, and never give up your power.
Until next time.
Joshua K. Sigafus