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hookup culture

Hookup Culture – My Personal Alpha Mentality Perspective

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What Is Hookup Culture?

Hookup Culture is a culture in which casual, non-committed sexual freedom is enjoyed, allowed, and exercised on a regular basis—considered to be a ‘normal’ part of dating, sex, and relationships. 

In this post, I’m going to share my thoughts about it from the alpha perspective. 

I’m also going to share a few stories with you. 

Hopefully, this article will give you a new and interesting perspective on the topic. Maybe it will even give you some new things to think about. 

Let’s start at the beginning. 

When I Was A Younger Man, Hookups Were Extremely Taboo

hookups are taboo

They happened, of course—but not in my social circles. 

I was a very devout Christian—and in our religious community, pre-marital sex was a big ‘no.’ 

Of course, I was incredibly curious about hookups as a boy. 

I daydreamed about them, actually. The idea of meeting a beautiful woman, hooking up with her, and having that kind of a fleeting, temporary connection seemed pleasurable and exciting to me on a nearly otherworldly level.

I was very sexual, even from an early age. But this mostly just led to a lot of sexual frustration, as I really didn’t have an outlet for my sexuality.

This was both a good thing and a bad thing. But I’ll explain that a bit later.

I was, to be quite honest, constantly horny. And I loved women. 

I thought that women were the most beautiful creatures on the planet. And truth be told, I still believe that. I’m a very straight man who loves to have sex with beautiful women.

It is a part of who I am.

I got really into porn as a teenager. I watched it and looked at it as often as I could, which wasn’t very often. I didn’t have access to my own computer. And to this day, I’ve never owned a legitimate ‘porn mag’ or ‘porn DVD.’ 

(I did a lot of looking at the underwear section of the J.C. Penny catalog, for those of you old enough to remember those!)

But still—I did what I could to get my ‘sex’ fix without actually having sex. 

I was a fairly chronic masturbator, though. That was something I did a lot of.

My Dating Life As A Teen Wasn’t Too Exciting

alpha male traits

To say that I was sexually frustrated as a teen would be an understatement. 

I dated a couple of different girls. Nothing came of these short relationships, and they always ended quickly. 

Nothing sexual tended to happen, either. 

I didn’t even make out with a woman until I met my future wife. 

Holding hands and cuddling was about as far as things went.

Once again, this was both good and bad for me. But once again, I’ll explain that in a little bit.  

I Met My Future Wife When I Was 18 Years Old

We were both virgins when we met. 

Neither of us had any sexual experience. And to be honest, I think it’s fair to say that we both experienced a pretty healthy amount of sexual dysfunction in our own ways. 

We pushed the limits pretty hard as teenagers. But we never did have sex before the wedding night (I got married when I was 20). 

We did a lot of things before the wedding. But we didn’t see each other naked, and we never had sex. 

It was important to us not to cross that milestone until we were officially married. As ‘slightly dirty’ as we were, we both felt that waiting until marriage to engage in full-blown coitus was pleasing to God. And we cared a lot about that.  

I think that we were both interested in trying to do it the right way. 

By The Time We Got Married, I Think We Were Already Out Of Love

getting back together with your ex nothing but misery

It sucks to say that. But I think it’s true. 

Our sex life was weird. At the time, I felt like it was beautiful and wonderful. Having sex with her was my favorite thing in the world. 

But there was a lot of sexual shame in our relationship. And I don’t think that we ever got to a point where we could just enjoy it and find pleasure in it. There was always a lot of baggage and weirdness. 

Now, looking back on it, that seems pretty obvious. But at the time, I didn’t know much about those things. 

I wasn’t an alpha. I sure as hell didn’t understand women. And I didn’t understand much about being a man, either. So I was kind of triple f*cked. There wasn’t a lot of hope for all of it. 

We had two kids, were married for 10 years, and then split up. 

We had an open relationship for a while, so I did have some other sexual experiences. But to be honest, by the time our marriage was done, I was still just as lost and confused as I had ever been. 

But on top of it, I had an extra dose of sexual dysfunction, lower confidence, and a LOT more pain and regret. 

It wasn’t a pretty sight. I almost gave up, but I decided to continue onward. 

I didn’t give up. I decided to try to start over again. And I am very glad that I did.

I Ended Up Learning About How To Have Healthier Sexual Relationships – I Also Learned About Women

learned a lot about sex

After my marriage ended, I got really good at dating, actually. 

I figured out how to be an alpha. I figured out how to date women, connect with them, and engage with them in a healthy, positive, constructive way.

I studied some pick-up. I studied some game. I got pretty good at it—good enough to realize that I didn’t actually need it if I was being confident, doing my thing, and being myself.

I also developed a love for dating that I never really got the chance to nurture as a young man. 

When I was a teenager, all of the voices around me were pretty much saying the same thing. 

  • No sex until you’re married
  • Find a wife and get married 
  • Have kids and serve God 
  • Sex is basically dirty and sinful. Doing it within the confines of marriage is the only caveat—and if you ever do it with anyone else, there’s basically no hope for you. That’s sin—and the wages of sin is death, hell, and destruction. 

That’s some admittedly heavy sh*t. 

And it f*cked me up pretty good, to be honest. 

But after I left my religion, learned a little bit about life, and got a failed marriage under my belt—I had the chance to start over. 

I had a chance to explore the relationship with sex and women that I always wanted when I was younger, but never knew how to cultivate. 

And that journey led to me learning a lot about myself. 

In many ways, I learned to love myself for the first time. 

And I overcame a lot of my shame. 

I got better. I learned about women. I learned how to be a better man. I started my alpha journey—and I started healing. 

I figured out what my purpose was. I learned that I needed to focus on myself first, and seek excellence in life.

I learned that I needed to stop focusing so much on dating, because that isn’t what defines us.

And now, I seek to help others follow that same path. 

Here’s Why It Matters, And What It Has To Do With Hookup Culture

Hookup culture encourages us to experiment sexually. It teaches us to pursue short-term relationships, and not to rush into anything too serious too quickly. 

It tells us to seek out short-term thrills. It tells us that it’s fine to f*ck for fun, just to feel pleasure and to have a good experience. 

It tells us that there’s nothing wrong with scratching the ‘itch’ of horniness, to find short-term pleasure in the arms of a lover you may never see again, and that it isn’t a crime to have some nasty doggy-style with someone you don’t have any intention of marrying.

There are some upsides and downsides to it. In fact, one of my greatest thought mentors, Jordan Peterson, talks quite a bit about the dangers of casual dating and promiscuity. 

And I understand where he is coming from. 

But here is what I would like to put out there—what I would like for you to take away from this article. 

My outlook on sex as a teenager was both very healthy, and very unhealthy at the same time. 

On one hand, things could have been a lot worse. 

I dated with a purpose, and I tried to build something meaningful with my life. 

I tried to start a family. I tried to ‘do it right.’

This led me through a lot of pain and suffering. 

But it wasn’t for nothing. 

Because out of it, my wife and I created two wonderful children. And they got to grow up, at least for the first part of their lives, in a home with two parents, where there was always food on the table, where they were taken care of, and where they were able to be loved and cared for by a mother and a father who at least seemed to love each other. 

That’s the best thing that happened in my marriage. 

If I had gotten a girl pregnant during my teenage years, that child would probably have been really f*cked. Because as stupid as I was as a young man, at least waiting until marriage to have sex kept me from having a kid before I planned on it. 

At least, when I did have kids, it wasn’t a totally f*cked situation. 

And that part of it went pretty well. 

I guess, if I’m being honest, I feel like I traded about 13 years of my life so that my children could grow up in a nice environment. 

That obviously isn’t all that happened. It’s more complex than that. But if I were going to quantify all of it and label it in a way that makes me feel at all good about it, that’s what it looks like. 

But There Was Also An Element Of Destructiveness Toward My Ideas About Sex

dating life as a teen

True, my ideals kept me out of a lot of trouble. 

But they also emotionally stunted me. 

God only knows how healthy it would have been for me to sleep with a few different women before getting married.

Especially older, more experienced women who could have taught me how not to make an ass of myself or be a d*ckhead.

Women strong enough in themselves to call me out on my bullsh*t.  

God only knows how much I could have learned, and how much better I could have been as a husband. 

I’m not blaming anyone for the fact that I didn’t. I’m just saying that, if I were to go back and change some things, I might prescribe myself some sex with a powerful alpha woman who found me sexy, but refused to take any sh*t from me.

Had my life gone that way, I may have learned a few harder lessons earlier on. There’s nothing wrong with having your balls busted sometimes (metaphorically speaking, of course) if it makes you a better person and causes you to think a little bit.

Maybe I Should Also Have Slept Around More To Scratch That Itch To Spread My Seed—Because As Dangerous As It Can Be, It’s A Real Thing

level up your dating life with flirting

As men, we are highly motivated by nature to be promiscuous. It’s really in our DNA. 

And I didn’t get to live that out. And so I got married with all of that untapped sexual energy just bursting at the seams. 

And my wife, god bless her heart, she tried to satisfy that. But our relationship was about as sexually functional as a concrete block.

And by the time it was over, I was so f*cked up sexually and psychologically from that experience that I almost didn’t know which way was up or down. 

It felt to me like I never got the chance. It was like, by following my religious and moral beliefs about sex, I had already doomed myself to certain failure as a man. 

And fail is exactly what I did. I crashed and burned the hell out of my marriage.

I’m not taking all of the blame. But I damn well deserve half of it.

I’ve Had Plenty Of Hookups Now

I’ve had some good ones, I’ve had some bad ones… and I’ve had some great ones. 

I’ve had hookups that I would rather try to forget. And I’ve had hookups that forever changed me for the better as a man. 

I’ve learned things about myself through the sex I’ve had with different people. 

Have I gotten hurt a few times? Have things gotten messy? Have I experienced my fair share of pain and pleasure?

Hell yes. God only knows that I have. 

But here’s the thing. If I never would have done the things I’ve done with the sexual partners I’ve had—I wouldn’t be who I am now. 

And with god and the devil both as my witnesses—I’m really f*cking grateful for where I am now. 

I’m in my early 30s, with a big, bright, happy future ahead of me. 

I know that it’s not going to be perfect. But it sure as hell is better than it could have been. 

And I’ve had enough sexual experiences now that it’s not even that big of a deal to me anymore. 

It’s like I’ve gotten the majority of the craziness out of my system.

I’ve been with enough women by now to realize that being with a bunch of women is not the magic bullet that makes you a real man.

But ironically—being with those women was what taught me that lesson to begin with.  

Make no mistake. Had I never taken the chance to get my ‘drugs, sex, and rock’n roll’ phase out of my system—that would have been painful. 

I would have faced such severe regret for that. 

And all things considered, there are very few hookups that I would take back, if given the chance. 

I’ve been with some pretty amazing women. I’m a very grateful man for the sexual experiences I’ve had—even the promiscuous, passion-driven hook-ups with women I’ll likely never see again.

There is very little of it, if any, that I would take back now.

Here’s My Point About Hookup Culture

valuable lessons about human mating behavior

Say what you want about the evils of traditional views on sexuality, and say what you want about the evils of hookup culture. 

There are two sides to it. And I’ve lived both of them. 

I’ve had more celibacy and more sexual promiscuity in my life, at different times, than most men and women I’ve met.

At any given time, I’m usually the man in the room with the most extreme sexual history. 

So I know a thing or two about this stuff. 

And here is what this all leads up to, and what I think is vital for every man and woman to understand. 

It isn’t about whether or not hookup culture is good or bad. It isn’t about whether or not you should have sex before marriage. It is about realizing that you cannot separate yourself from your sexuality, that you cannot control your sexuality (you can only control your actions), and that—thankfully—you usually get more than one chance to get it right. 

You need to try to do it right by you, and you need to try to do it right by those whom you commit to loving enough to care about. 

At the end of the day, it is a truly delicate balance. 

You need to be the sexual creature that nature intended you to be, and you need to also balance that potential chaos with some reason, common sense, and logic. 

You need to be fair to yourself. You need to keep from victimizing anyone. And you need to be free to be honest about who and what you are.

You need to go a little bit crazy with your sexuality. But if you can avoid burning your house down and letting entropy run rampant over you in the process—well, that’s a pretty substantial victory in my book. 

Please search your own feelings when it comes to making choices about your sexuality. You need to trust your own nature, but you also need to understand the demons inside of you that would threaten to undermine your common sense. 

There is the potential for great order within you, and there is also the potential for great chaos. 

These forces are continually at war inside of your soul. 

On one hand, chaos is fun, crazy, and out of control. 

On the other, order is boring, safe, and helps you to protect yourself from harm. 

But we need both to live a well-balanced life. 

This is what I didn’t understand until I was 30. 

If I could have understood this as a teenager, it might have saved me a lot of heartache, pain, and suffering. 

If I could have given myself the room to be honest about who I was as a sexual creature, I might have found the courage I needed to live my life a bit more authentically—mostly for myself. 

In Conclusion

If I were going to leave you with any advice, it would be this. 

Live your life with order—but let a little bit of chaos in as well, from time to time. Because if you don’t allow yourself to be truly you, you’ll end up with a lot of regret after it’s all said and done. 

Regret is the biggest demon in the room. 

And if you let him get big enough, he’s unstoppable. 

So today, I’m not telling you to have a hookup, or not to have a hookup.

I’m telling you to intentionally decide that for yourself, while being very honest with yourself… and executing big on kindness and respect for other humans and yourself in the process.

Go with grace, my friends. And never give up your power. 

Until next time:

Joshua K. Sigafus