This essay was written to help provide a deeper answer to the question of how to approach women as a man in our modern world.
For a lot of men, approaching women is a dreaded, scary, anxiety-inducing, high-pressure affair.
Nowadays, a lot of men instinctively want a pass when it comes to actually being brave enough to walk up to a woman and start a conversation.
In fairness, there’s a laundry list of fairly rational and understandable reasons for this.
The truth of the matter is that it’s not always easy to conceptualize the act of walking up to a woman in real life, for the purposes of asking her out on a date, getting her number, or even just to make a social connection, without also running through a long list of things that could go wrong.
She could reject you. She could blow you off. She could laugh at you. She could look you up and down with disgust and contempt and tell you’re disgusting.
I’ll be honest with you.
When you’re standing on the sidelines of life looking in at a beautiful woman, and thinking to yourself:
“I’d really like to approach her and start a conversation, but I’m just so nervous.”
What you’re actually experiencing is an ancient evolutionary battle for survival within your own self.
Here’s the thing about human evolution.
It’s not an empathetic, sympathetic, or fair process that takes your uncomfortable feelings into account.
The fact of the matter is that evolving species either reproduce successfully, adapt, and survive…
Or they don’t.
The graveyards of history are littered with the bones of species that didn’t make the cut.
And to an even greater degree, they gorge themselves on the bones of unsuccessful members of successful species who failed to reproduce and replace themselves within the ranks of their own kind.
Thus, affecting the removal of the less adaptable bloodlines from the genetic heritage of that species forever.
This puts a whole new spin on the concept of ‘survival of the fittest.’
Evolution isn’t an equity game.
Evolution is a process where lifeforms are put through the proverbial fires of nature, to test their mettle against a certain threshold of deadly variables.
The species that keeps its head above water, to tread this threshold of natural danger and rise above it—successfully reproducing and replacing itself to replicate at a faster rate than it dies out—is the species that goes on to survive, thrive, and continue onward into the future.
All of the others cease to exist.
Humans are unique in that they’re truly the apex predators of planet earth.
Our human ability to solve complex problems, grasp items with posable fingers, speak to one another through language, form social bonds to arrange ourselves into tribes and hunting parties, and leverage tools to give us an edge when hunting, gathering, building shelter, and protecting ourselves from danger has led to the emergence of a species advanced to such an incredible degree that our small young world has really never seen anything comparable to it before (at least that we know of).
But here’s the thing.
In order for humans to have arrived at this point in our evolution, the strong needed to have more children than the weak.
The truth of our history runs very closely to an uncomfortable truth….
Those who were more capable at the process of survival and adaptation found more successful methods for influencing the human genetic bloodline to a greater degree through their own offspring in a more effective manner.
Countless human ancestors who came before us died before finding the chance to reproduce.
Many humans lived their entire lives without ever once having the opportunity to create offspring of their own.
Nowadays, we look at this type of situation, especially as it pertains to modern dating, and it serves to stir our human emotions.
Most people, when they hear a man complain about the fact that he’s sad and lonely because women don’t give him the time of day or overlook him for other men, are tempted to feel a little bit of compassion for him.
We’re tempted to feel a little bit sorry for this type of man—like he’s the victim of some kind of grand modern feminist program intended to weed out all but the top 5% of the most attractive and formidable men in the species….
Like it’s some kind of ‘agenda’ that all women are secretly a part of on a collective, hivemind basis.
A lot of men navigate these challenges with a complete victim mentality.
They bemoan the female species for being so selective, despite the fact that female selectivity is in fact one of the crucial mechanisms that has driven humankind to the apex predator position on planet earth.
The fact that, throughout our evolutionary history, women have been selective maters, intent on getting the very best deal on the sexual marketplace that they could get, has been a powerful evolutionary function that has helped to weed out weakness and create stronger, more viable offspring for the next up and coming generation of human creators, warriors, soldiers, builders, parents, leaders, healers, inventors, thinkers, and tribe builders.
So as a man who has successfully reproduced, who has successfully been selected by many different attractive women as an attractive sexual partner in my lifetime—I wish to impart a small bit of wisdom to the men who are struggling with the approach anxiety that so often plagues those who want to approach women, but must battle their nerves and their own trembling sensitive sense of self-worth and self-confidence to do so.
As a man, if you truly want to take a shot at winning in the arena of human reproduction—much less to earn the right to engage with the beautiful, nurturing power of the feminine and the connecting, emotionally healing energy that comes from physicaly, mentally, and emotionally interfacing with the females of our species—there are a few things that you must come to understand.
It’s crucial that you understand that the battle going on within you is a very real battle with genuine far-reaching life implications.
You feel nervous because there’s a lot at stake.
You feel anxiety because you have a lot to lose.
And for the most part, in most situations, your fears are justified—because even amongst relatively attractive men, the rate of rejection is going to remain higher than the rate of acceptance.
This is the path that all men must tread in their journey to earn the evolutionary right to share a bed with a human woman.
This is not a fact to bemoan or to complain about.
Some men look at women and grow bitter and resentful about the fact that they seem to be more desired by men, in a sexual sense, than men are desired by them.
But to be frustrated or bitter about this fact makes no evolutionary sense.
This speaks to the beta mentality that plagues the minds and souls of many modern men, and the surrendering that such men do to their own emotions as a result of the unpleasant feelings that arise when we are rejected, heartbroken, overlooked, or discarded by women.
The truth of the matter is that men are more sexually interested in women than women are in men because women have all of the most valuable reproductive equipment.
It is the duty of man—it is the responsibility of man—and it is in man’s best interest—to take initiative and responsibility for pursuing dates and sex with the women they’re interested in with a relentless, yet socially adept determination and vigor.
Because a woman will always find sperm with which to create offspring.
For women in the modern civilized world, barring some kind of biological anomaly or health problem, at least a certain measure of reproductive success is a given.
But it’s also true that women suffer as a result of poor mating choices as well.
This is why women must be selective maters, because not every man is a good partner, not every partner is a good father, not every father is a good husband, and not all DNA is equal.
As men, the burden rests upon our shoulders to prove ourselves in the arena of life.
This is our battleground.
When we prove ourselves worthy, the deeply entrenched female mate selection instincts, which are embedded within the DNA of every human woman, will detect our success, give us credit for our accomplishments, and seek to guide their host to select us at a higher rate than the men who have not shown the same evolutionary promise.
Make no mistake about it. It’s a vicious and violent game.
Sex, intimacy, reproduction, and mating are all elements of the human experience that we can appreciate and find great beauty and pleasure in.
But in order to reach the point where we can enjoy their beauty, we must hack and slash our way through the violent conflict of evolutionary testing.
We must prove ourselves as worthy men, the types of men that women must select for their own survival.
All too often, men neglect to think about the responsibility that sits upon the woman’s shoulders.
Yes, getting sex is easy for a woman.
Yes, reproduction is easy for a woman.
Yes, obtaining male semen and DNA to create a baby with is easy for a woman.
But never make the mistake of thinking that women have it easy—because with the wrong man, the wrong DNA, or even in the wrong circumstances—deploying her valuable reproductive power could prove to be not only a waste of her biologically miraculous reproductive faculties, but also a bane on her existence, a mark on her dating marketplace attractiveness, and even a death sentence for a successful, fun, fulfilling, satisfying, and luxurious life of love, romance, and loyalty.
The truth of the matter is that far too many men and women are irresponsible when it comes to shouldering their responsibilities on the dating marketplace—especially when it comes to successfully building the human tribe.
Men stand around and complain about how women won’t sleep with them. And women stand around and complain about how none of the men they sleep with will commit to them.
But it’s also important to understand that when we invest all of our energy into these conversations, what we’re actually doing is cultivating a conversation about ultimately failed human mating strategies.
The truth of the matter is that when a man builds enough value, he’ll attract a certain number of women who will literally see him as the very best option for life success, health, happiness, companionship, tribe-building, and even survival—both for herself and for her offspring.
And this will lead to great respect, attraction, desire, and admiration.
And if he selects the proper women to mate with, he’ll evolutionarily succeed… and will have a better life because of it.
He’ll be not only an evolutionary success story in his own right, but he’ll be successful by his own merits as a man capable of attracting mates, engaging in intimacy, and enriching his life as a result of successfully interfacing with the feminine.
For women, the truth of the matter is that when they build enough value within themselves that they attract high-value men—and then, when they select the appropriate, highest-value man with which to engage in the reproductive process with…
Well, their lives are enriched as well.
They gain not only a powerful ally to help them in the arena of life, but also the channeling of a good man’s resources, commitment, and loyalty—as well as the commitment of his time and energy to invest in her children. Plus, if she’s really fortunate—the companionship of a lover with whom she can build a happy and prosperous life with.
When these strategies are used appropriately, and the correct steps are taken to achieve them, humankind remains the apex predator that has dominated our home planet and made life better for all of us.
But the humans who fail at this endeavor are more likely to end up bitter, jaded, unhappy, unfulfilled, and socially outcast.
Because failing in the reproductive arena tells us something about your worth as a human.
And I don’t mean this in an overarching life value sense.
I don’t mean this from a moral or ethical perspective.
I mean this from the perspective of the violent brutality of the natural arena, and the fierce, competitive battleground of the human mating process.
This is not a dance that is always danced with delightful music, pleasure, and beauty.
This is a dance that’s more often danced with knives, swords, spears, cutting, slashing, killing, defeating, and overcoming.
I don’t necessarily mean this in a literal sense. I mean this in a metaphorical sense—in the sense that we must learn to overcome challenges, rise above our deficiencies, and achieve a certain measure of power, objective value, and excellence within ourselves in order to survive to see the finish line.
It is not a pretty game.
But it’s a game that we must learn to play as men if we want to succeed.
And the only way to play the game and succeed is to truly create the kind of value that will lead to more successful outcomes for both men and women—better outcomes for the human tribe as a whole.
Learn to do this as a man, and you won’t have to have those anxious, nervous conversations with yourself before walking up to a woman and introducing yourself.
You may never completely be able to escape the anxiety that can plague us before walking up to an attractive woman.
But there’s a big difference between walking up to a woman, knowing your value, and understanding that you’re at the top of the food chain—and walking up to a woman knowing that you don’t really have anything to offer that’s worth anywhere near the trading power that she wields just by virtue of being female—trusting in either luck, her good nature, or even some perverted sense of pity to offer you a place within her tent.
One of these two types of men has always been, and will always be, successful with women.
Which one are you going to be?
The choice is actually completely yours.
Choose to be a high-value, alpha-mentality man who embraces the crucial masculine evolutionary mandate of generating resources, solving problems, and providing safety and security so that the tribe can survive and thrive—and you won’t ever need to worry about failing at dating again.
This isn’t to say that the journey is easy. But it is worthwhile. I can tell you that from experience.
Go with grace my friends, and never give up your power.
This is Joshua K. Sigafus signing off.