How to flirt with girls.
If you haven’t yet mastered the art of flirting with beautiful women in real life (this post is about face to face flirting, not text flirting), then this post is for you.
Contrary to popular belief, flirting is absolutely a skill that can be learned, honed, and mastered. And the more you do it, the better you will get at it.
Learning to flirt correctly has many benefits.
- It makes you more successful with women
- It gives you more confidence
- It helps you to understand the back-and-forth process of the ‘mating dance’
- It keeps you from running out of things to say
- It helps to calm anxiety, making it easier and more fun to have interactions with attractive women
And last, but definitely not least… flirting isn’t just good for men. It is also good for women!
Girls love to be flirted with, as long as you are doing it correctly and not creeping her out!
So when a man knows how to flirt with girls well, and can hold his own in a conversation with women, he can really level up his attractions kills and help himself to become the type of man that women actually have fun with and want to spend time around.
So let’s dive in. 9 alpha male steps to learn how to flirt with girls!
Step 1: Deciding To Approach
Before you start flirting with a woman, you’ll need to approach her.
And part of this involves making the decision to do so.
For some men, this might be really simple. But for some, it can actually be surprisingly difficult.
How do you know if she will be into you? How do you know that she won’t reject you? How do you know that she won’t laugh at you?
As it turns out, there is simply no way to escape some of this risk.
To approach a beautiful woman, engage her in conversation, ask for her number, ask her out, etc. will always carry with it some element of risk.
But, remember this. A true alpha male would rather get rejected by 100 women while learning and practicing how to flirt with girls than to never try out of fear of rejection!
So remember that…
- It is normal to get nervous
- There is no way to overcome it without just doing it
- Over time, with experience, you will get less nervous.
But until you build up that experience, things will never change.
So go for it!
Step 2: The Approach
Approaching women successfully requires you to keep a few different things at the forefront of your mind.
First of all, it is important to have your body language under control. Stand up straight, hold your head high, and smile.
Don’t be afraid to look her in the eye as you smile.
Make confident movements. Don’t act like you’re afraid of her.
You are confident and powerful, but also interested and curious. This is how you should act as you approach.
Also, get your hands out of your pockets, and don’t fidget!
Step 3: The Opening And Introduction
Introducing yourself to a beautiful woman is really the first direct step in learning how to flirt with girls.
Start by introducing yourself, or with some kind of opener.
I have a couple of facial piercings. So one of my favorite ways to open with a woman is to talk about that.
“Hey, I couldn’t help but notice that you have a lip ring. I like it! Where did you get it?”
There are two things to be careful about with introductions though…
- You don’t want to over-flatter her
- You don’t want to seem over-enthusiastic or over-interested
Keep it casual. Make it fun. Strike up an actual conversation.
Some men open with pickup lines. This can work, but personally I find it a bit tacky.
But you also want to stand out and be interesting. If you fumble over yourself, smile way too broadly, give too many direct compliments, and/or act sheepishly… she will smell your fear from a mile away, and will realize that she has complete control over the exchange.
And that will really turn her off in most cases.
Women love the mystery of not quite knowing what you are thinking, especially if they think you’re attractive as well.
Either way, make an opening of some kind, and then feel free to introduce yourself.
Even better, try to initiate some kind of innocent physical contact… like a handshake. There certainly isn’t anything wrong with this, especially if you can manage to linger and make it a little bit flirty without going too far and making it weird.
Note: Remember, flirting is a game of balance! Too much of one thing or the other is never a good thing!
Step 4: How To Flirt With A Girl You Like: Making Conversation
Now comes the actual moment of truth.
Walking up and striking up a conversation can be difficult… but you can also prepare for it.
What you cannot prepare for is the conversation that will happen after you introduce yourself.
Making conversation should appear to be simple, fluent, and easy… even if you’re actually really working to make it seem that way.
Of course, some people will have an easier time of this than others. If you are a natural conversationalist, this may come easier to you than it would to someone who struggles with feeling comfortable talking to new people.
One way to keep the conversation alive and thriving is to use these tips…
- Try to pick up on a common interest and ask her about it
- Resist the urge to talk about yourself… you want to use this opportunity to learn about her
- Don’t interrogate her! Ask thoughtful questions that require more than a simple yes or no answer
- Don’t be afraid to share something about yourself as well
Sharing something about yourself, or responding well to something she is choosing to share about herself, is an excellent way to build up intimacy and connection during the conversation.
But in order for this to work…
- You need to be engaged and attentive
- You need to be looking her in the eyes
- You need to be interested in what she is saying
- And you need to make her feel at ease and comfortable
- If possible, crack a joke and make her laugh
Also, don’t be afraid to be yourself. Having a conversation is part of the fun, so go with it and enjoy it!
With time and practice, you will start to pick up on the subtle give-and-take of flirting and conversation. Follow these tips, and you will soon be well on your way!
Step 5: Check Out The Vibes And Make A Plan
At this point, you’ll be well within the conversation. You’ll be learning about her, checking out the vibes, and seeing if you’re genuinely interested.
But this is one part where a lot of men struggle to figure out where to go.
First of all, remember that you should never act like you are desperate for attention, sex, or a girlfriend.
And if you actually are desperate, this is where you need to remain calm and really try to fight the temptation to jump at her like a wild animal.
Play it cool. Check out the vibes. Take a moment and ask yourself a few questions.
- Am I legitimately interested in this person?
- Am I attracted to her?
- Is this the kind of person I could see myself being compatible with?
If the answer is no, then there’s no pressure! You can either find a way to politely disengage, or keep chatting and maybe become friends.
But if you are interested in her, then it may be time to start making a plan. It is usually impossible to tell from one encounter if someone is actually girlfriend/wife material, but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t also keep yourself open to the idea.
It also doesn’t mean that you can’t have fun and make a move now, especially if your goal is casual sex or just to have fun.
So, figure out what the best plan is.
Are you thinking about trying to hook up with this girl tonight? Then you need to escalate and work toward closing the deal.
If you’re just wanting to get a number, there’s a lot less pressure. You still need to escalate and close, but getting a number is generally easier than scoring a hookup.
Whatever it is you decide on, make a plan and go from there. You need to feel your way through the conversation, but you also don’t want to jump all over the place and not know what you want to do.
As powerful alpha males, we must be decisive and sure of ourselves.
You know what you want. You have found meaning in your life, and you are on your own epic quest to make it as excellent and as incredible as you want it!
So go after what you want like the fearless warrior you are.
(Learn more about the alpha male mindset by looking at The Oath of Kings, my personal alpha-male code!)
What If She Seems Cold, Or The Vibes Don’t Seem Right?
Not every girl is going to be into you. If a woman doesn’t seem to be in the mood to flirt, acts grumpy, acts like she is trying to get away, or otherwise seems to be sending signals that she isn’t interested… then drop it and excuse yourself.
You don’t want to pressure anyone or make anyone uncomfortable. On a similar token, you deserve to spend your time and attention on a girl who is into you! So don’t get desperate and chase someone who doesn’t seem into it.
You may also run into women who seem to hate men. Learn more about those types of women in this post.
Step 6: Generating Intimacy And Connection
At this point, we are going to assume that you are actually interested in her.
After engaging in a bit of conversation, the goal now is to start building (and enjoying) the kind of intimacy and connection that flirting and pleasant conversation brings.
The goal is to start building up a connection. We are emotional beings, and connecting with one another is really what this is all about. It is this legitimate connection that will give you the greatest odds of actually getting her even more interested in you.
Here are some steps for how to build intimacy and connection during your conversation.
- Ask thoughtful, thought-provoking questions
- Don’t be afraid to ask a personal question… just don’t get so deep that it’s inappropriate
- See what types of things she is mentioning, and follow those leads. Women will absolutely let you know what is on their mind, but you need to pick up and follow the thread
- Make her feel at ease. When she tells you something personal, respond positively and give her something personal in return. This helps to build intimacy and connection
- Be yourself and be confident in yourself. You are not here to prove yourself… you are here to get to know her and see if you are interested in her
- Don’t be afraid to challenge her. And when she passes the challenge, let her know that you are impressed… though keep this subtle!
- As the energy starts to climb, start escalating and get ready to close.
The ‘energy peak’ of the interaction will come much faster than you realize… especially if you’re having a good time!
In fact, once you sense that the energy between you and her is starting to pick up, it will be time to escalate.
Step 7: Escalate
You escalate by bringing more energy to the conversation.
This can be done by…
- Asking more personal questions
- Displaying a higher level of excitement or attentiveness
- Drawing physically closer to the girl
- Flirting more, maintaining more eye contact, making small innuendos, doing a bit of naughty talking, etc.
If the sparks are flying and there is awesome natural chemistry, escalation will often happen on its own. But a lot of men don’t pay close enough attention to it, and they let it fizzle out before they make their move.
The best time to make your move (ask for a number, ask a girl on a date, go for the hook up, etc.) is at the height of escalation, when the energy is at its highest.
At this point, she will be feeling as good about the encounter as she is going to be feel.
It can be difficult to gauge exactly when the height of escalation is, so I usually go by this rule of thumb…
When I notice that the conversation has taken a turn, and has gotten hotter and heavier, and when I notice that she seems really interested in what I am saying, I know that I am either at, or very close to, the energy peak of the conversation.
That type of flirtatious energy is very strong… but it burns out quickly in most cases unless you continue to escalate. The only problem is that you can only escalate so much… and eventually, the energy will drop. And once it does, your odds of closing go way down… as she will probably be more likely to just want to go home, hang with friends, or find someone new to talk to.
As with anything, this also takes practice. You need to pay close attention to the energy levels.
If she is…
- Very engaged in the conversation
- Either touching you, or responding well to you touching her
- Sitting or standing very close to you
- Making eye contact at you and smiling a lot
- Leaning in toward you when she talks
- Playing with her hair or jewelry a lot
- Hanging on your every word
- Laughing a lot
- Acting very interested in what you are talking about
- Answering quickly and excitedly when you ask her questions
Then odds are good that she is feeling some good energy, and things are escalating.
This is when you want to seriously think about making your move.
Step 8: Close, And Don’t Chicken Out!
Closing with a woman is no different than taking a shot at anything else in life.
You do it with confidence, you give it your best, you stand tall and proud, and you show her that you want this… you expect a yes, and you are not intimidated by her.
If you act very sure of yourself and hold yourself with confidence, you will be much more likely to score a number, a date, or even a hookup.
Of course, as with all things, closing takes practice to perfect.
One thing that I will say is that guys sometimes say a lot of things to try to justify what they are asking for.
But don’t do that! It makes you look nervous, and will make her nervous as well.
Just put yourself out there, smile at her, and let her say what she is going to say.
If you are asking for her number, get out your phone and be very casual.
“Well I need to head out, but let me get your number quick…”
If you’re looking to ask her on a date, give her a specific plan. Don’t just say “Do you want to hang out sometime?”
Instead, say something like…
“You know what, I bet you’re fun to bowl with. Want to go bowling with me on Thursday evening?”
If you’re going for a hookup, don’t try to explain it and make it sound more innocent than it is. You can be subtle, but that is different from trying to make it sound like something that it isn’t.
For example, don’t say…
“Would you like to come over to my apartment and just hang out and watch a movie? No pressure, we can just hang out…”
That is sending mixed signals. Instead, lean into what you want, and let her know it without ruining the fun of the ‘mystery.’
“Hey… want to head back to my place? It’s getting late, and I have a pretty comfy bed we can try out…”
Girls love it when you keep things a little bit mysterious. But they also want clear signals.
So you need to practice balancing these two very important things.
Step 9: Whether You Close Or Not, Make Your Move Or Your Exit At The ‘Energy Peak’
One of the first dates I ever went on as a teenager was to a little Mexican restaurant in my hometown. It was the ‘fancy place’ to go. I asked a girl I worked with if she wanted to have dinner with me.
She was very religious and asked if lunch would be alright, since her family wouldn’t approve of her meeting after dark.
I agreed, ecstatic that I had just scored a date!
Well, needless to say, I had no idea what I was doing. We met, ordered, food, and ate. And then we talked… and talked… and talked.
At first it was a bit awkward, but it was fine. There was some great conversation for about twenty minutes or so… but then things started to go downhill.
The conversation just started to get stale.
Panicking, I tried my best to keep her engaged and interested. I asked her anything I could think of. I tried to make her laugh, I tried to flirt, I asked her questions and listened to the answers… but despite everything I tried, things just seemed to grow more stale.
Finally, after about an hour, she excused herself to go to the restroom. Once she left, I sighed in despair.
What was wrong with me? Why didn’t she find me interesting?
I made a lot of mistakes that day. But one of the biggest mistakes I made was that I didn’t leave it on the high note.
Women are very attuned to the energy they feel when talking and flirting with someone. They love that energy. But if they feel it die down before they’ve built up a strong-enough connection, they will likely start to get second thoughts.
Or worse… they might get bored.
Had I paid for the meal and excused myself after twenty minutes, right after we got done eating, the date might not have gone so badly… and I may have even gotten a second one!
But as it was, I blew past that point by about 40 minutes… more than enough time to make her bored of the encounter twice over! Besides, there was no escalation or closing either. I had no idea what to do.
You live and you learn. But the lesson here is pretty clear.
Don’t overstay your welcome. Disengage at the energy peak. Leave her wanting more, end of story.
Overstaying your welcome shouldn’t happen until you move-in together! And even then… you should try to keep it from happening!
Flirting is a skill. And like any other skill, it can be learned.
You may have some natural game to help you out. But most men need practice to perfect this skill.
So do your best to look for opportunities to flirt with beautiful women as you go about your day.
Learn how to approach, what to say, what works well, and what doesn’t.
Learn to gauge the appropriate times to introduce yourself, and when it is best to just move on and let things be.
Learn to read the ebbs and flows of conversations, to pay attention to energy levels, and to keep track of how things are going so that you’ll know what to do next.
And last, but definitely not least… have fun! Don’t overthink it. Practice, but don’t succumb to the temptation that you need to change who you are to attract beautiful women.
With a few little adjustments and a healthy dose of self-awareness, you would be surprised at how easy it can be to learn how to flirt with girls, have a good time, escalate, and close without making it awkward!
And that, my friends, is the key.
Do it because you love it. That’s what it’s all about.
Until next time, go with grace… be well… and NEVER give up your power!
Joshua K. Sigafus