How to talk with a woman.
Sometimes, for men, talking to women can actually be pretty intimidating.
In fact… for some men, learning how to get dates with beautiful women can seem downright terrifying!
If you’ve ever felt this way, don’t be ashamed of it.
In our electronic-device culture, face-to-face discussions tend to happen less and less.
And far fewer men are just walking up to women and engaging with them.
But you can break the cycle, and win by engaging in quality conversations and dialogues with the attractive women around you.
And in this post, I’m going to give you actionable step-by-step tips to do it right.
(Note: If you want to read an amazing book that taught me a great deal about how to talk with a woman correctly, check out The Noble Art of Seducing Women: My Foolproof Guide to Pulling Any Woman You Want, by Kezia Noble. This book helped me so much! And if you want to learn how to really understand women, I 100% encourage you to pick up a copy!)
Alright. Now let’s get started.
Step 1 Of How To Talk With A Woman: Take Pride In Your Appearance Every Day
We want to be confident when the time comes to approach a beautiful woman.
So be proactive about this by taking some thought every morning for your wardrobe.
Shower, wash your hair, dress nicely, put on some body spray… look presentable.
This will give you a ton of confidence, and will help you to get into the habit of always looking your best.
Step 2: Don’t ‘Gawk’ At Beautiful Women
This can come off as creepy. Sure, you may want to keep an eye out for attractive candidates for conversation… but let this happen naturally as you go about your day.
Women find it more attractive when a man is on a mission and has a purpose. That is much more attractive than a man who is just ‘trolling for ladies.’
Step 3: Smile And Have A Good Time, No Matter What You Are Doing
Learning how to talk with a woman begins before you actually talk to a woman.
It begins with how you hold yourself and conduct yourself even when you are not aware of an attractive woman around you.
So smile. Go about your day with purpose. Find meaning and kindness in your day-to-day interactions, no matter who they are with.
This kind of energy is vibrant and attractive.
Step 4: Be Open To Putting Yourself Into New Social Situations
If you want to meet awesome, high value women, you need to go where awesome, high value women hang out.
You should try going to events and activities you enjoy, where you would be the most likely to meet up with someone like-minded.
You may have to step out of your comfort zone to do this, but that is just fine. An alpha male has no problem with new experiences!
If you go to an event and don’t really get the chance to meet any new or interesting women, don’t worry! It is never a waste!
Meet new friends and grow your social circles. You never know who might know your next fling, girlfriend, fiance, or even wife!
Step 5: When You Finally Do See A Girl You Would Like To Meet, Find A Way To Introduce Yourself To Her
This is your chance!
A lot of men get scared and back out of these types of situations. But honestly, that nervousness and anxiety you feel right before talking to a new person is intoxicating.
Learn to enjoy this rush, and embrace it.
Face your fear, walk right up to her (always approach from the front… women don’t like to be approached from behind), introduce yourself, smile, and shake her hand.
(Facing your fear is also part of the alpha male journey! Check out what this means in my introductory alpha male guide.)
Step 6: Make Eye Contact And Smile
Don’t look away or act afraid to look her in the eye.
Instead, hold her gaze and smile at her.
But you also want to balance this by not staring into her eyes so intently that it gets weird.
Once you make strong eye contact, find a convenient reason to look away and do something else. Take a sip of your drink, or look around the room and comment on the decor.
Above all else, just act natural.
Step 7: Don’t Be Anxious
A lot of men can get anxious when they first start talking to a pretty girl… and this can cause their hearts to race and for their words to start speeding up.
But don’t fall victim to this!
Stay cool. Don’t be anxious. Relax and take it slow.
Be quick and witty, but also make sure to allow plenty of time for back and forth, relaxed communication.
The more relaxed you seem, the more at-ease you will make her feel.
Step 8: Ask Her Questions To Find A Good Topic Of Communication
Don’t spend too much time talking about yourself.
Ask her questions about her life… questions that will require more than a yes or a no to answer.
Personally, I like to ask about work, hobbies, pets, where they have traveled, what their favorite restaurants are, what they like to do for fun, etc.
Step 9: When She Opens Up About Something A Bit More Personal, Inquire About It Gently And Tactfully
If you do this right, you can learn a lot about her and start building up a connection very quickly. Here is a little example of how I might go about this.
Me: What kind of job do you have?
Her: I’m a 1st grade teacher.
Me: Oh, nice. Do you enjoy it?
Her: Yeah, I like kids and it is what I’ve always wanted to do.
(Notice that she still has not really given me anything personal. It is still all a bit stiff and casual. So I try to go a bit deeper, because I want to learn more about her as a person. Also, if I don’t start to generate some vulnerability in the conversation, she will quickly start to get bored.)
Me: I used to do a little bit of teaching. I wasn’t a ‘real’ teacher, but I used to do a sex-ed program in local schools. It was for high schoolers, though. I really enjoyed it.
Her: Oh very nice! I don’t think I could ever do that. I would be way too nervous to talk about those things in front of high schoolers!
(There it is… she has told me something a bit more personal about herself. She gets nervous! I decide to follow that thread…)
Me: Oh really? That’s interesting. I didn’t get very nervous, but then again I have a huge passion for sexual health. Does public speaking in-general make you nervous, or is it more the idea of talking about sexual health in front of students?
(Here, I am continuing to open up about myself. I give her some more personal information… that I have a huge passion for sexual health. If all goes well, this will continue to establish a connection. I am also trying to set up a flow of conversation where she has the opportunity to open up more to me. Remember… the goal is to get to know her, share a bit of one-another, and be vulnerable to each other. This is what builds that chemistry… that sharing of sensitive information, and the ‘excitement’ of learning and being learned about.)
Her: Public speaking in general. I’m not too shy about sexual health and topics like that. I would like to say that I am an open minded person!
Me: Ah ok, very good. So you’re the one at Thanksgiving dinner reminding the whole family to go get checked for STIs then, huh? I like it!
Her: OMG no! If my grandmother even heard me mention anything like that, she would flip.
Me: Tell me about your family. What kind of people are they?
… And so on. You play off of what she says, respond by sharing a bit more about yourself, crack a few jokes when the time seems right, etc.
Step 10: Be Kind
You always want to be kind and respectful to a lady.
Personally, I never directly ask her sexual questions up front. I also never try to put her down or belittle her in any way.
I might make small innuendos as jokes if they seem appropriate, to help convey the fact that I am willing to go down that road, but I let her set the pace for it.
I also try to poke a little bit of innocent fun at her, just enough to tease playfully… but never enough to actually hurt her feelings or put her down.
I try to imagine that she is going to be telling her mom about this entire conversation.
If she chooses to take it down the path of flirtation and ‘naughty talk,’ I will absolutely oblige her if I am feeling the chemistry.
But I do not push that onto her. I make small little hints at first in that direction with my words… but if there is anything sexual going on between her and I at first, it is really only conveyed in my body language and in how I look at her.
For example, I may move an inch or two closer. I may smile a bit more when I catch her gaze. I will pay a bit more attention to her than I would if I weren’t genuinely interested.
I may also, after a brief time, look for a small excuse to touch her.
Step 11: Move In For Physical Contact
If you and her are having a good conversation, and you feel like there is some energy building up between you, feed that energy with some innocent physical contact.
The key to this, though, is to put her completely at ease and make it feel as normal and as casual as possible.
There are a few different little techniques I tend to use.
For example… I might comment on her hair.
“Your hair looks so nice like this. I’ll bet it’s soft. Do you mind if I touch it?”
At this point, I will have already reached for it, as if I completely expect her to say yes.
And about 100% of the time, it is a yes. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten a ‘no’ from this approach.
I touch her hair lightly, but I also apply enough pressure to gently run my hands through it, perhaps tucking some of it back behind her ear. I may even run a thumb over her forehead, or even allow my fingers to trace her neck on their way back down.
This little bit of physical touching really helps to build up that connection and chemistry. Plus, by asking her permission, you are giving her the power to consent to what you are doing… which I think is absolutely incredibly important.
I might do something very similar by touching a tattoo on her arm, shoulder, or back while asking about it.
Just a brief touch… a few seconds… and then, you pull away and are completely content to go back to talking.
Step 12: Pay Attention To The Flow Of Conversation
Conversations will generally have one of two different flow patterns to them.
There is either chemistry, or no chemistry.
Often, as an alpha male, you will have a lot of say in how much chemistry a conversation has… and you have a lot of power to control the flow of energy by escalating and/or de-escalating it.
Here are examples of how these conversations will flow.
Conversation starts. It builds in energy and gets more exciting only very slightly, if at all. It usually ends up ending on a very stiff or awkward note. It never really feels like it gets going.
These conversations will escalate. There is back and forth conversation, it will become more and more fun, and you will likely feel more and more excited to be talking to her as the conversation goes on.
And you will feel the same buildup of energy on her end as well. If she seems eager to share her thoughts with you, is laughing a lot, is leaning in toward you, is gesturing with her hands a lot, and is making lots of eye contact, she is probably feeling that chemistry as well.
Be aware of this flow, because you actually have a lot of power to control it.
Step 13: If The Conversation Feels Flat, Try To Get More Specific And Learn More About Her As A Person
If the conversation feels flat, it might be because there is no vulnerability taking place.
One or both of you have not shared vulnerabilities, and then returned them to escalate the conversation.
To help remedy this, try to get the conversation on track by asking more questions that will require her to share a bit more about herself.
Also, make sure to act encouraging and open. Stand or sit with open body language, so that she feels more at ease around you.
If she senses that you are nervous or are not having a good time, she might be closing down and not sharing because she is afraid of micro-rejections… her sharing, and you not caring!
Step 14: If The Conversation Is Escalating, Make Your Move At The ‘Energy Peak’
If the conversation is going really, really well… it will probably feel like the energy is escalating and growing.
This is awesome… but it also means that your time to make a move is close at hand.
This is the best time to ask for a number, ask her out on a date, invite her back to your place, etc.
Don’t add her on social media. That isn’t personal enough.
Personally, I like to say something like this.
“Well, I’ve really enjoyed talking to you. I would like to get your number and continue this another time… maybe over some tacos at (insert the name of a restaurant you mentioned before). I could show you how good that place is!”
Then, pull out your phone and bring up your contact screen, as if you 100% expect her to give you her information.
Most likely she will!
Step 15: Don’t Wait Too Long. Move While The Energy Is Still Strong
Don’t wait too long to make your move. If you wait until the energy starts to die back down (which will eventually happen), then she might start to feel a bit tired and worn out… and will be much less likely to feel like a second get-together would be fun.
You need to ‘leave them wanting more!’
So when the conversation has escalated and things are feeling really good, make your move… and then take your leave.
This is actually really important.
Either move along and bid her goodbye for now… or move on at the party and hang out with other people, or return to your friends, or whatever.
You are a man on a mission. You had a very good time talking to her, and now that you have her number, she is hoping that you will text her again to set it up.
Leave her wanting more! Leave while the energy is at its peak!
Step 16: Do Not Say Something Deep And Meaningful When Disengaging
Some guys will be tempted to ‘express how much they like the girl’ before disengaging, to make sure that she knows how they feel.
But this is a big mistake! It sends pure beta-male energy, makes you seem needy, and makes it feel like you might not be as good as she thinks you are.
Instead, give her a wink and a ‘see ya later.’
No bells or whistles. Just a polite, but fast disengagement.
Leave her a bit off-kilter. Leave her wondering what you are thinking about her.
Give it a bit of time and then text her.
Step 17: If She Declines Your Advances, Disengage Gracefully And Respectfully
Sometimes, despite our best efforts… she just may not be interested in us.
And that is totally fine.
Tell her that you completely understand, tell her thank you for the conversation, and then move along and disengage.
A true alpha male doesn’t get down about a rejection.
He just keeps his eye out for the next lovely lady to strike up a conversation with… and life goes on!
Acting hurt, upset, or sad about not getting a girl’s number or a date, on the other hand… is total sadboy energy.
It is one of the most unattractive things a man can do!
Don’t stoop to that level. Hold your head high, be proud that you tried, and take the lessons you learned with you into your next attempt.
Learning how to talk with a woman isn’t always easy at first.
But with practice and diligence, you will get better at it!
When I was younger and having trouble gathering up the courage to approach beautiful women, I made myself a rule.
Every day, I had to ask at least once pretty girl for her number!
I didn’t always get it… but I did learn a lot, and I really helped to level up both my confidence and my banter.
And I always had a really good time!
To learn more about the alpha male path, consider checking out my own personal alpha-male code, the Oath of Kings.
Stay the course, fine gentlemen. Go with grace… and never give up your power!
Until next time…
Joshua K. Sigafus