This post is for men and women. And in this post, I want to discuss the fact that dating is a complex thing that isn’t always as simple as it may appear.
Dating is many things.
But ‘black and white’ isn’t one of them.
There are many shades of grey within our dating relationships.
And there are many reasons to think of dating as a more open-ended enterprise.
Humans are nothing if not complicated.
And the simple truth of the matter is that, even when you take the alpha mindset into consideration, it becomes clear that not everything that works for one person is going to work for other people.
Earlier today, I actually recorded a podcast episode asking the question what if you don’t want to be an alpha?
And this blog post really speaks to that same question.
What if you don’t want to do ‘all of this work’ to level up your dating life?
What if all of this is just too much for you?
Isn’t it ok to just want a simpler life than to ‘level up’ and ‘embrace the alpha mentality?’
I think that this is a super fair question. And I want to address it a bit more in-depth.
Some People Get Really Caught Up In ‘Sound Bites’
I’ve heard dating coaches/life coaches in different spaces say things like:
- Never date single moms
- Never ‘like’ photos of girls online (simping/giving away free attention is bad for attraction)
- Never pay a woman a compliment
- Never double text
The list goes on and on.
And here’s the thing.
I’ve almost never heard a dating coach give advice that wasn’t based on some kind of fact, at some level.
But here’s the question.
Is the same advice true for everyone?
Or, are some people just different, and want/require different things in life to succeed, find happiness, and experience fulfillment?
Well, this is a more complicated question.
Human Mating Behavior Is A Reliable Science
Now, as a general rule, human mating behavior, as a science, is pretty damn predictable.
Human mating behavior may be a complex science. But there are still rules that, for the most part, stand true in nearly any circumstance.
There are outliers and fringe situations, of course, that may defy some of the rules. But a lot of the ‘science’ is pretty hard and fast.
This is why, as a dating coach, I can confidently tell people how to get certain desired outcomes, and explain the answers to most problems.
This also allows me to diagnose problems quickly, even if I don’t necessarily understand all of the complex factors involved.
Much like a car engine, a fax machine, or even a human body, the science of human mating behavior—and the complex forces that drive and sustain it—is a predictable machine that consists of different parts that work together.
And if something goes wrong, you can usually back-engineer it, figure out where the ‘malfunction’ occurred, fix the broken parts, and then fire it up and get it running again.
Most people in our world never learned to date in an optimized fashion.
So to a certain point, their ‘dating experience’ has been malfunctioning the entire time.
Some people go their entire lives like this, while some people never ‘learn’ by reading or studying, but through trial, error, and life experience.
There are some people who succeed quite well at dating.
But then, there are also people who really, really struggle with it.
There are also people who are born just better-suited to succeeding on the dating marketplace by virtue of their unique personality traits and physical attributes.
But here’s the thing.
While human mating behavior is a consistent machine that pretty much works the same in all situations, human social behavior and human psychology also play into the equation. And they can be a bit more difficult to figure out.
In other words, when you take human mating behavior (which is complex enough on its own) and combine it with the unique personality traits, learned behaviors, evolved behaviors, trauma, and quirks of the humans involved, you end up with a nearly infinitely complicated hodge-podge of behaviors, problems, issues, and ‘mental blocks’ that throw a proverbial wrench into the very idea of human mating behavior being a ‘black and white’ endeavor.
The truth, once again, is that there are many shades of grey.
Why Am I Saying This?
I talk a lot about maximizing your potential. I talk about embracing the alpha mentality. I talk about minding your business, getting money, and pursuing your purpose in life.
I also espouse the benefits of leveling up mind, body, and spirit on a daily basis, and often encourage people to do their best to optimize their lives and climb the social hierarchy.
Because these things tend to lend to greater success, not just in dating, but also in many other areas of life.
And as I always say:
The state of your dating/relationship life is going to have a profound and powerful influence on every other area of life as well.
Because it’s a foundational area of life.
When you date someone, enter a relationship with them, or become intimate with them, they gain access to a part of your inner life that’s difficult to filter or shield them out of.
This person, for better or for worse, is going to have some level of impact on your life by virtue of being ‘sexually and/or emotionally entangled’ with you.
And while you may be able to keep them at arm’s length to a certain extent, the potential for ‘spillover’ is pretty high.
And to some degree, it may be unavoidable.
Therefore, it pays to invest in your dating life in a positive way.
It pays to take care of yourself, increase your dating marketplace value, and try your best to attract better partners who’ll be a better overall fit and benefit to you in the grand scheme of your social/work/friend life.
But What If This Just Isn’t As Easy For Some People?
Let me explain what I mean.
Even as a motivated, goal-oriented person, it’s not easy for me to get up every morning, work, work out, and sacrifice huge parts of my day to try to build the life I want in the future.
I deny myself a lot of creature comforts in the hope that my hard work will pay off in the future.
That’s what the idea of ‘sacrifice’ is all about.
But what if someone lacks that willpower?
What if I’m genetically predisposed to having more willpower than the average person?
What if losing 10lbs is easier for me than for most men?
What if the way I was raised (to be a hard worker) puts me at an advantage when you compare it to men who weren’t taught those same lessons as young men?
See, things can quickly get murky when you spill over into this territory.
And it isn’t necessarily fair to just tell everyone to ‘do the work,’ suck it up, and sacrifice to build their value.
But then again, at the same time, that’s how you create value for yourself on the dating marketplace.
And the more effort you put into increasing your attraction, the better off you’ll technically be.
So, where does that leave people who just can’t seem to do all of that work?
Is it possible that some people were doomed to have a shittier dating life than other people?
There’s a part of me that wants to say that anyone can accomplish whatever they set their mind to.
But there’s another part of me that believes that expecting everyone else to work as hard as I do, without the promise of a payout at the end, isn’t necessarily fair.
And so, that leaves us in kind of a weird spot.
The big question is:
Is this worth it to you?
Is having an awesome dating life (or at least a better one) worth a bunch of hard work and sacrifice?
Maybe you’d be happy with a dating life that’s a little bit less awesome, as long as it didn’t require you to do a shit-ton of work and sacrifice like a starving dog for 2 to 3 years?
It’s a fair question.
And there’s a part of me that understands that some people just don’t want to be as ‘hardcore’ as I am.
And that’s totally fine.
Here’s My Message To People Who Don’t Really Want To Work Quite As Hard To Improve Their Dating Life
I’m going to be real with you.
The best way to improve your dating life is to focus on working hard to increase your value as a man or a woman on the dating marketplace.
For men, this means building:
- Tribal connections
- Leadership abilities
- An athletic body
For women, this means maximizing your:
- Fertility cues
- Fidelity cues
But… doing these things at the maximum level takes an absolute fuck-ton of work.
And to be quite honest, you don’t have to go super hard to completely optimize your life to have a great dating life.
Work on getting just a little bit better every day, by working on developing better habits.
Lose a couple pounds if you’re overweight, put on a bit of muscle if you’re super skinny, level up your knowledge, learn to dress better, learn some social skills, etc.
You don’t have to go crazy to develop your attraction.
You may not be able to score the hottest, highest-value partners on the planet.
But most people don’t.
What will probably end up happening is this.
You’ll meet someone wonderful, attractive, and very imperfect, who you’ll fall in love with, get attached to, and start a relationship with.
And it’ll be a mix of happy and sad, good and bad.
And even though it won’t be perfect, it’ll make your life better.
And that’s completely ok.
You don’t have to force yourself to work super hard to optimize your attraction unless that’s a priority you really care about in life.
As long as you understand that you’ll have to sacrifice a bit in the quality of the partner you can attract, you’re free to cut down on some of this ‘personal development’ work and focus on other things that matter to you.
This may sound like settling, but I’m not a huge fan of that term.
I kind of prefer the term ‘finding happiness on terms that work better for your personality and life.’
As long as you’re happy with the outcome, that’s really what matters.
I always prefer for people to do the work, because I think it leads to better outcomes.
But I also understand that not everyone is like me, and that’s completely ok as well.
So get out there and do what you want.
You’ll still be an awesome human, and odds are very good that you’ll still find love and someone to date you, even if that person may not be a ‘perfect 10.’
And as long as you’re ok with that, and can find peace and happiness in that, there’s absolutely no shame in it.
Do you. Live life. Have fun. Leave behind the legacy you want for yourself.
Go with grace, my friends, and never give up your power.
Until next time…
Joshua K. Sigafus