It’s time to talk about nice guy syndrome.
So here’s the thing. Whether you are in a relationship, or desire to be in one, there is a great need to understand that you cannot be nice all the time.
Now, this doesn’t mean that you cannot be kind.
There’s a huge difference between these two things.
Nice people are usually nice to a fault.
They let other people walk all over them.
They let people cross boundaries, and they let people act in ways that they shouldn’t be allowed to act in.
And this isn’t good for anyone.
I recently published a video on this, which you can watch here:
But this is an important concept to understand. So let’s dive into it.
Nice Guy/Nice Girl Syndrome – What It Is, And Why You Need To Avoid It
You don’t do anyone any service by being the stereotypical nice guy or nice lady.
But you DO want to execute big on kindness, respect, and having tough boundaries that you don’t allow anyone to cross.
So what we have to do is we have to balance great kindness with great toughness, right?
You need to be infinitely kind and respectful. These are positive human traits, and they are qualities that strong alpha-minded people will develop.
But at the same time, you also need to be incredibly stringent about how you enforce your personal boundaries.
In other words—you can’t let people walk on you.
You can’t stand for disrespect or unkindness.
You need to be strong enough to be kind, while also being strict enough to kick people out of your life (or walk away from them) when they do not show you the same respect and courtesy.
It’s So Important – And Here Is Why
This is a concept that becomes monumentally more important to me every single day, as I become older, and as I strive to become a wiser, higher-value man.
I want to have a good life. And I want to be a man of high value.
But I’ll be d*mned if I’m going to let anyone treat me with standards that are below me.
And this is important for men and women to understand. (Learn what a high value woman is here.)
Every day, I see men being too kind and letting people walk on them. And then, they explode with all of this rage.
Gentlemen—that’s not the answer.
And every day, I see women being too kind, and letting men get away with whatever they want.
Then it all builds up and explodes in an emotional meltdown that totally compromises you.
Ladies, there is no excuse for it.
Men and women need to own their sh*t and start being tougher.
If You Give Someone An Inch, They’ll Stretch It Into A Mile
If you let people do it, they will walk all over you. If you let people cross your boundaries, you will end up with bad experiences. You’re going to end up being taken advantage of, and you’re going to have people treat you in ways that you shouldn’t let them treat you.
And the counter to it is strong boundaries.
- I don’t put up with passive aggression
- I don’t put up with people lying to me
- I don’t put up with people who bring drama into my life
When someone does something that violates a boundary, you say no.
Maybe you give them a warning or two, if you decide to do so. That’s fine.
People aren’t perfect. And I am usually inclined to give a warning so that the people around me understand the importance of behaving correctly around me.
Ironically, most people are not used to healthy, strong boundaries. The concept may be foreign to them. But if they actually want to have a good relationship with you, this will give them the chance to do it right.
And that’s a good thing.
But if they don’t take the opportunity to listen, and they continue to disrespect your boundaries, you say we’re done. Right?
And then you walk away from them, lose their number, and you’re done with them for good—at least for the foreseeable future.
That’s the difference between a nice person and a kind person.
A kind person won’t fly off the handle and freak out due to getting pushed past their boundaries so often. But they will calmly communicate the strong points of the boundary as soon as the slight occurs, and will respectfully convey the idea that this boundary is non-negotiable if you want to remain in my life.
Whereas a nice guy or a nice girl, they will be more likely to be quiet, and not to say anything when people start crossing their boundaries.
Then they explode—and chaos ensues.
Healthy relationships cannot function this way. It’s complete chaos, and shows that you have no control over your life or emotions.
People Are Afraid To Enforce Boundaries Because They Are Afraid To Be Alone
This is the real sh*t of the matter.
This is the stuff that people don’t want to think about.
You need to dig deep and ask yourself why you keep being a ‘nice person’ to people who cross your boundaries.
Is it because you’re too afraid to kick them out of your life?
If you want to be strong in this life, you need to be completely OK with being alone.
Incidentally, when you aren’t afraid to be alone, that is when you become the most attractive version of yourself.
So today, and for the rest of your life, what I want you to do is this:
I want you to stop being nice.
And I want you to start being infinitely more kind, and also infinitely tougher when it comes to maintaining the strength of your boundaries.
All right, that’s all I have for this one. Go with grace. Ladies and gentlemen, and never give up your power.
Until next time:
Joshua K. Sigafus