If you want to seduce a girl, you NEED to understand this powerful mindset shift. (Note: this post is for the gentlemen in my audience.)
Let me tell you a story.
In about the 8th year of my marriage, my wife (now ex-wife because we are divorced) and I opened up our relationship, and decided to try out polyamory.
For those of you who do not know what polyamory means, it basically means having relationships with more than one person… or loving more than one person.
It was during this time that I stumbled into one of the most incredible, emotional relationships that I have ever experienced… with a woman I will call “Ally.”
And as it turned out, I built this powerful mindset shift into my pursuit of Ally – and we ended up having one of the most intense, energized, hottest romances I have ever experienced in my life.
But I did it without realizing what I was doing!
And even though the relationship ended quite disastrously – it taught me that when you properly understand and apply this very simple mindset shift to your dating life, you can SUPERCHARGE your attraction levels and drastically increase your odds that women are going to fall in love with you!
What is it, you might ask? What is this mindset shift, and how do you use it?
It’s called hope!
But hold on, I’m not done talking about it yet. You need to hear the rest of this story to truly understand what I mean by that.
When I Met Ally, I Was Young And Naive
My wife and I had a decent marriage. But honestly, the fire had gone out of it.
It had been a long time since my wife had looked at me with any real sense of ‘passion,’ because our relationship had gone through some really rough patches, and there were a lot of problems.
For the record, opening our relationship didn’t end our marriage. But it did expedite the process by highlighting our problem areas faster than we would have discovered them otherwise.
In any case, when I met Ally, my perspective was suddenly radically jolted.
She was an absolute 10 out of 10 – one of the most beautiful women I have ever met.
When we met, I almost dismissed the idea of even getting involved with her.
Someone as hot as her would probably not be interested in me, I thought to myself.
She was a solid 10, and I was a 7 on my best days… if that!
At least, that was how I viewed myself.
You see, I had low confidence. But I was charismatic, and I was outgoing… and I was willing to try.
I didn’t understand women at all. But I did understand the concept of trying to bring happiness to the lives of the people I loved.
And that resonated with Ally, I think, in a big way.
Ally And I Quickly Became Entangled
Our small love affair was kicked off with a couple of casual hangouts, the third of which resulted in a pretty intense makeout session.
Our time together was so passionate, raw, and intense. It had been years since I had felt like this with a woman. And it had been years since another woman seemed to want me this badly!
It really revolutionized my worldview. It let me know that I was missing passion in my life. It also boosted my confidence, and made me feel wanted and desired. (I wasn’t yet validating myself. I didn’t understand what that meant.)
Needless to say, I wanted Ally more than anything. And it seemed to me that she felt the same way.
A Night In A Hotel Room Together Sealed The Deal
We spent a passion-fueled night in a hotel room… taking shots together, making out, and making love.
But we also spent a lot of time talking. We talked about our feelings, our dreams, our goals, our anxieties, and just life in general.
In the early morning hours, we took a walk outside, feeling the night air and just enjoying each other’s company before going back to the room.
I remember that this was the first time we held hands. It was amazing how good that felt! It just felt right.
I was on top of the world.
Finally, as the first hints of dawn appeared over the horizon, Ally drifted off to sleep in my arms. I felt so much passion and desire for her. It was incredible.
And maybe even more incredible was the fact that I could sense these same things in her. I really believe that we felt the same way about each other.
As The Relationship Progressed, It Became More And More Complicated
My love for Ally continued to grow as the weeks stretched into months. But so did the complications that came about as a result of her inclusion in my marriage.
You see, my wife and Ally didn’t always get along. There was a lot of jealousy and insecurity at play, for all of us.
And over time, people started getting their feelings hurt.
But I Never Gave Up – I Insisted That Ally And I Could Make It Work
I loved Ally. But I also loved my wife, and I was very committed to her. My marriage vows actually mattered to me. Plus, we had two children together… and I was the type of man who believed in honoring such important vows.
In my mind, however, Ally and I could still be together. I imagined my wife, Ally, and I all living together and having an open relationship together… like an extended family.
I believed in this so much that Ally and I constantly talked about it. But despite my hope and belief that this could work out, things still headed for troubled waters.
This Was The Problem
The problem was that I was not thinking realistically about the situation or the relationships.
Part of the reason was because I had ‘love blinders’ on!
My feelings for Ally were causing me to make decisions based entirely on my desire to include her in my life.
In my mind, a life with Ally and my wife would be perfect.
But in truth, this wasn’t what either of them wanted. And at the end of the day, after taking off the rose-colored glasses, I know now that it wasn’t what I really wanted either.
It felt really good at the moment. And I wanted to believe that it could last forever.
But the truth was that I was just afraid of letting go of something that was destined to slip away.
Sure, they told me that they would be ok with this arrangement – but in truth, I should have realized what was evident.
Both of them were jealous, both of them wanted me to themselves, and both of them needed and wanted to know that they could have a secure future with me.
And as much as it pained me to admit it, neither of them could have what they wanted unless they were the only woman in the picture.
This Was My Mistake
I made many mistakes, and learned many hard lessons, during this time of my life.
But the biggest mistake I made was to believe that my ‘rationalization’ of the situation, brought on by the rose-colored glasses of romance I was wearing, could overrule the negative feelings and emotions of everyone involved.
I proposed a plan for how we could all make this work. My wife and Ally both accepted it for a while, and even believed in it… until their feelings got hurt, or until I messed up, or until something happened that triggered the jealousy, fear, and insecurities of one or more of the individuals involved.
Human emotions are powerful. I also learned that I was not strong enough to deal with my own emotions either, because when Ally and my wife started dating other men, my insecurities went pretty wild as well.
At the end of the day, the biggest mistake I made was to think that I could rationalize away everyone’s negative feelings with a plan of action for the future.
But this didn’t work. As alpha men, we need to understand that both men and women have feelings, and that those feelings are not only powerful – but they are also deeply embedded in our core evolutionary programming.
I’m not trying to say that open relationships can never work.
In fact, I have since dealt with my insecurities. And once I started to validate myself, my jealousy and fear of abandonment virtually vanished.
Now, my girlfriend and I can have an open relationship… and I don’t get insecure or jealous.
Because I have learned to validate myself! That is so important! I cannot overstate the importance of this concept!
Ally and my wife were not the kinds of women who, on the inside, really wanted what I was proposing.
In The End, Ally And I Parted Ways
Her feelings were very hurt, and she was very mad at me for the things I did wrong in the relationship.
And I don’t blame her.
And my wife probably never really got over the ways she got hurt either. And I am pretty sure that she stayed bitter at me for a lot of it.
How Does ‘Hope’ Factor Into All Of This?
Here’s the thing.
Ally and I had a lot of natural chemistry.
And with that sexual chemistry, we could have had a nice fling.
But hope was the thing that took our sexual chemistry and gave it a future to latch onto.
You see, hope is a powerful force… for men and women. But in most cases, it is especially powerful for women!
Many women need some kind of hope for the future to develop true, deep, intense feelings.
Sometimes, they invent this hope in their own minds while dating men who don’t cultivate any hope.
But sometimes, this hope comes from the man – and women really latch onto it.
It is my opinion, as I reflect back on my relationship with Ally, that it was my natural ability to cultivate hope that took what perhaps should have been a fling, and turned it into an intense 8 month love affair that I will always cherish and remember.
It was the fuel that turned a small, hot candle flame into a roaring inferno.
In The End, Hope Wasn’t Enough – And It Never Is
As men, we need to understand that if we want to be desirable to women, it is in our best interest to cultivate a certain amount of hope. We need to advertise, even if subtly, that we are open and available to a secure future with her.
It is very rare, men, for women to be interested long-term in a relationship that does not lead to some kind of security for them. It is in their DNA. They evolved this way on-purpose, as a survival mechanism.
And while it is possible to override this function, that doesn’t happen very often.
If she picks up on this and can catch-on to the vision, and the two of you already share a certain amount of sexual chemistry, then the fire of passion will ignite into a full-fledged inferno.
Without this hope… this vision for the future, and the potential for something more… the flame will almost always die out quickly, like a candle deprived of oxygen.
If You Want To Seduce A Girl, Hope Is A Powerful Tool – But If You Don’t Back It Up With Action, It Will Just Be Empty… And Feelings Will Get Hurt
In my case, I cultivated hope by telling Ally that everything would be ok. She felt insecure in the moment, and I would try to soothe these insecurities by talking about the grand future I imagined for us.
Here’s the thing though. This vision was very believable, because I believed in it 1000%!
It wasn’t a game to me. I wasn’t just playing with her feelings.
I may not have been seeing the situation rationally… but I 1000% intended to make this work, or fall flat on my face trying.
And even though I fell flat on my face trying, I still learned valuable lessons about myself AND the power of human emotions along the way.
Some men, however, try to leverage hope as a tool for seduction without putting any actual effort behind it.
This can actually be very powerful, and it can get women really engaged.
A great example of this is a guy who falls into a boyfriend role with a woman without being willing to make it social-media official, because he doesn’t technically want to take himself off of the dating market.
The tricky thing here is that rationally, there is nothing wrong with this as long as you aren’t breaking agreements.
It could be said that leading someone on is unethical. But it isn’t against the law, and many people do it every day!
It is part of being a human, and it happens.
Be Careful With Cultivating False Hope
With that being said, though, I would utter a word of caution. Human emotions are powerful, and the fallout from such tactics will absolutely hurt feelings… even though you can technically rationalize the feelings away by saying that there was no official agreement broken.
It’s tricky stuff, and this is part of what makes men so different from women.
There are obviously some major exceptions. But for the most part, men tend to rationalize things in their minds, while women tend to attach themselves to the emotions.
Sometimes it works in reverse. But in any case… Here is the point I am trying to make.
If You Really Want To Win In Your Dating Life And Seduce A Girl Successfully, You Need To Learn To Cultivate Hope
This is the subtle mindset shift that most men are unaware of.
But when you start including it into your interactions with women, on a very subtle level – it becomes very powerful.
Do Not Develop Pressuring Expectations With The Hope – This Will Cancel It Out
Hope is powerful. But we must also be careful about placing pressuring expectations onto that hope.
Women do not want to be pressured. And if they feel pressured, they will usually back away.
My Final Words Of Warning – Be Careful With Her Feelings
Use with caution, men. There is no pride to be found in hurting women’s feelings. There is no glory to be found in leaving behind a trail of hurt women, broken dreams, and shattered feelings.
True glory is found when we mind our business, chase our money, pursue our purpose, and try our best to understand the true natures of men and women as they pertain to dating, sex, and relationships.
Our biological and physiological mechanisms in these areas are very powerful, and they operate the way they operate because of how we have evolved.
If you want to truly understand human mating behavior, I would recommend that you grab a copy of The Evolution Of Desire:Strategies of Human Mating, by David M. Buss.
This book will absolutely transform your understanding of human mating behavior, and will help to paint you an absolutely breathtaking picture of why humans act the way they do when it comes to sex and dating.
By Contrast, My Current Relationship Is Built On Real, Rational Hope
My current girlfriend and I are individuals who strive to validate ourselves, rather than finding our value in one-another.
We are growing every day to be true alphas in our lives.
This allows us to think a bit more rationally about our future, and it also allows us to make plans for the future based on what will actually be good for us.
In this relationship, I cultivate true hope by making sure that she knows that I want her in my future, and that I plan to save a special place for her beside me.
This is that security I was talking about earlier – and it is pure magic. It has absolutely turned our romance into a hot, sizzling, intense love affair that never gets old or stale.
We give each other room to be individuals, but I also do my best to honor the feminine evolutionary programming inside of her to make sure that she knows that she is secure with me.
And to be honest… when she has this, she flourishes. It is so vitally important, and that is the thing that I never knew to offer Ally or my wife when I was younger… because I was too young and naive to understand that it was so important.
My current relationship, instead of being short-sighted and based on pure emotion, is based on a blend of rationality, chemistry, and compatibility. It is also built on an understanding of what men and women need to make a real relationship work.
And it is the real deal. It is super powerful.
You must back up the hope with action if you want lasting results. Promising hope, and then acting on that promise, is part of what makes this such a powerful component to romance and attraction.
This post has been a long time coming. Telling this story was difficult for me in a sense, because it shows me how little I used to know about women.
It is never fun to admit when we screwed up.
Acknowledging my failures in my past isn’t easy.
But… I am also encouraged, because I took those lessons and learned from them. I learned to be a better human, and I learned to understand women better.
And now, my life is much happier. I hope the same is true for Ally, wherever she is. And I hope that she has found true hope for the future in her life as well.
Go with grace, my friends. And never give up your power.
Joshua K. Sigafus.