I have talked at great length about the need for self validation if you wish to live with an alpha mindset.
I’ve also talked a lot about how alpha minded men and women need to employ self validation if they wish to be truly effective in the world.
But what is it, and why does it matter?
Let’s dive in and answer these two very important questions!
What Is Self Validation?
Defining self validation is a tricky thing, because it has a lot in common with self confidence.
According to this post, which was published on Psychologytoday.com, self validation is “accepting your own internal experience, your thoughts, and your feelings.”
This is obviously very basic. But, it is a good description, and I agree with it.
So now we know what it is.
But next, we need to ask this: why does it matter if we validate ourselves or not?
This is another deep question. So let’s talk about that.
Why Should You Validate Yourself, Instead Of Relying On Self Validation From Other People?
When we rely on other people to validate us, we put all of our power into their hands.
We effectively give away our power to the people we desire validation from.
This not only creates chaos in your life, but also makes you much less attractive to potential high-value partners!
Let me explain.
When I was married, I had huge self-confidence and self-validation problems.
Now, confidence and validation are not necessarily the same thing.
Confidence refers to how much we trust our abilities, qualities, and judgments.
Validation, on the other hand, refers to our internal experiences, thoughts, and feelings.
But, they can be closely intertwined. And in my specific case, they were.
I would have big ideas about things. But I would doubt that they were good ideas, and I would doubt whether other people would find value in them or not.
Because I didn’t believe in myself.
In truth, I wasn’t an alpha at all.
I also tended to doubt my experiences and felt like I needed the approval of others to figure out if my ideas had any merit to them.
Did I overthink that? Did I just imagine that? Am I making a much bigger deal about this than I should?
These are the types of questions I would ask myself.
So, to compensate for how I doubted my ideas and experiences, I would ask my wife/friends/family members about their opinions on what I was feeling/experiencing.
If they reinforced what I believed, I felt at peace with it.
But if they disagreed with me, I would suddenly sink deeply into self-doubt, get angry and defensive because they didn’t agree with me, and then decide that I should probably just give up on the idea/experience as a whole.
And that made me EVEN MORE frustrated, mad, and resentful!
Do you see how destructive and chaotic this thought pattern is?
When it came to ideas and experiences, I was literally putting all of my power into other people, and letting them choose my ideas and beliefs for me.
Self Validation Factors Closely Into The Alpha Mindset
When we need other people to validate our feelings, it causes us to give away our power to them.
But this is very destructive.
In reality, we should really be validating our own beliefs, experiences, and ideas, and using our own rational mindset to decide whether or not we are on the right track.
It’s not wrong to seek wise counsel, of course. But we need to approach it from a perspective that says “I will compare my own ideas with the external counsel, and make a rational judgment about which one is going to serve me better in this situation.”
That is much different than saying “If someone else disagrees with me, my ideas, beliefs, and/or feelings must not be valid or real. Therefore, if someone disagrees with me, I always need to agree with them and see myself as being wrong.”
People who do not validate themselves tend to live very chaotic lives, because their beliefs, inner thoughts, and feelings are always dependent on the emotional whims of the people around them.
Usually, when you let someone voice an opinion about your ideas, you should compare the two ideas (yours and theirs) and see which one makes more sense.
That is what someone who self-validates will do. They will assume that their experiences, thoughts, and feelings have merit, and operate as if they are the rule – until they come into a better understanding or find new information that more rationally supports a different viewpoint.
Not being able to validate your own feelings, thoughts, and experiences places you at a severe disadvantage in life. It causes you to doubt yourself at every turn, strips you of your ability to stand firm on your beliefs, and gives your life over to total and utter chaos.
If you have often felt lost, confused, and adrift in the world, there is a very strong possibility that you have a self-validation problem, and that you are so busy second-guessing yourself that you never make any progress!
How Do You Validate Yourself?
This is a much more complicated question.
And honestly, I do not have a 100% tried and true answer that is going to work for everyone.
But here are the steps I took (and continue to take in my own life) to work on my own self validation, and they have served me pretty well.
Step 1 – Take Responsibility For Your Thoughts By Researching Them And Testing Them
If you have a belief about life, the world, the people around you, your own feelings, etc., it is important that you do three things.
- You should listen to other people who challenge your belief, and compare the true merit of their words to your own ideas
- You should do your own research and learn as much as you can about the idea
- You should learn to have faith in yourself and your own thoughts unless your research proves that your idea is faulty
For example: years ago, I walked away from my religious faith.
I had thoughts and ideas about this topic that I found difficult to accept. Also, most of the people around me (my religious community) were trying to discredit my ideas and thoughts.
This made me feel crazy for a while. But eventually, I realized what was going on. And I started to take my own thoughts more seriously.
I did my own research. I tested my own theories. And I listened to wise counsel. I did as much research as was possible given the time-frame, and learned as much as I could. I examined both sides.
And in the end, I came to my own conclusion.
Many people disagreed with me. But I found strength in my own ideas because they were backed up by facts and information.
If I never would have learned to validate my own feelings, I never would have dared to imagine that my suspicions and ideas about my religious walk were valid.
And part of my ability to embrace my own ideas in this matter came from the strength of understanding my thoughts and the evidence that supported them.
So do the work, and become knowledgeable about what you are thinking, feeling, or experiencing.
Step 2 – Look Yourself In The Mirror And Tell Yourself That You Know More About Your Life Than Anyone Else
There are experts everywhere. And yes, many of them probably technically know more than you do!
But here’s the thing.
You need to live your own life, make your own choices, and have your own experiences.
You will mess up. But this is a necessary part of growth.
We must fail and fall if we ever hope to become great.
When I stopped listening so much to other people, stopped looking to them to validate my thoughts and feelings, and starting truly embracing my own perceptions and beliefs about the world, that is when my life really started to take shape.
That is how I found my purpose and my meaning in life. That is how I came to discover what I was passionate about.
And now, I dare say, my experiences have made me very wise. And every day, I am still learning!
So today, look yourself in the mirror, and say this:
You aren’t perfect. But you need to trust yourself. You need to take control of your life, and act on what you believe to be right. And if you mess up – you need to accept the consequences and learn from your mistakes.
Step 3 – You Need To Become More Self Aware, And Find More Inner Peace About Your Ideas
In the mind-body-spirit discussion, this is closer to mind and spirit than the body.
Try to find time every day to meditate. Think deeply about your thoughts, and why you think them.
When I was younger, I started doing a meditation exercise where I would write down a statement, and ponder it for 20-30 minutes silently within my brain.
I would state it. I would tell myself what it meant. I would argue against it. I would try to figure out how deeply I could take it.
What did it mean? What were the deeper implications? What logic holes did it present? What truth or value could be found within it?
For best results, do this meditation exercise with a statement or a problem that you are dealing with.
Right now in my life, I am really thinking a lot about patience.
And today, I meditated on this statement.
Is being patient worth the wait?
Every day, choose a new thought – a thought that challenges you to your core – and dissect it while meditating on it.
You can even talk to yourself out loud about it if you want!
This exercise really helped me to understand my own thoughts better – and gave me a tremendous amount of self-validating strength.
In The End, Self Validation Not Only Makes Your Life Better – It Also Makes You More Attractive
As a dating coach, I am constantly trying to be aware of what we can do to level up our attraction.
And many people do not realize that self validation is a very attractive thing.
There are few people in our world with the strength of mind to validate their own thoughts and feelings. There are very few people in our world who can believe in themselves enough to trust their own beliefs and perceptions.
Learn to cultivate this powerful skill, so that you increase your attraction and build a firm foundation for the rest of your thoughts, beliefs, and life actions.
And yes – self validation is a skill. Pursue it every day.
Keep working on it, and you will eventually level it up!
That’s all I have for today, my friends.
Go with grace, and never give up your power.
Until next time:
Joshua K. Sigafus