This is a big one.
I certainly did my time in this area when I was a younger man.
I used to have so much sexual shame. It came from so many places. My parents contributed to it a little bit, partly because I don’t think they knew how to talk to me about sex in a healthy way.
My community was very religious, and that really taught me that sex was ‘impure,’ and only desired by sinners or holy people within the confines of marriage.
My friends back then, in my formative years, were really depressed, and were also sex-shamed about as much as I was.
And I think that this caused all of us to kind of sex-shame each other as well.
So I faced a lot of shame for admitting that I wanted to do things like kiss, make out, have sex with my girlfriends, etc.
And then, when I got married, I got sex shamed a lot in that situation as well.
The truth was that my wife also had a lot of sexual shame, and we ended up hurting each other quite a bit with this negative spiral.
I don’t blame her for that. I hope that she got those things figured out after we parted ways. I know that it took me a lot of time, effort, and self-work to get to a point where I didn’t feel ashamed of myself for wanting sex.
I recently did a video on this topic. Check it out if you want to hear me talk about it for a bit.
I also really want to encourage you to read the book To Be a Man: A Guide to True Masculine Power, by Robert Augustus Masters.
This was probably the number-one book that helped me to identify and overcome a lot of my sexual shame. It also helped me to see how I kept living out my sexual dysfunction in my life, over and over again.
In This Article…
In today’s post, I’m going to talk about 3 ways that sexual shame is hurting your dating life today as a man.
I’m also going to talk about how to overcome sexual shame in your life!
As men on the alpha male journey, we want to level up and experience a positive and successful dating life!
But we cannot do this if our sexual shame keeps rising up to rear its ugly head!
Let’s dig into it!
#1 – Sexual Shame Is Giving You The Wrong Attitude About Sex
So many men who suffer from sexual shame want sex, but then secretly dislike themselves for wanting it.
It’s almost like, inwardly, they believe that sex is actually a bad thing to want. And that if they could just stop caring about it, they would be normal.
But this is the wrong attitude to have, and it is obviously going to hurt you in your dating life.
Sex Is A Healthy, Natural, And Normal Part Of Human Relationships
Sex is the most intimate social construct.
And as such, it is important for us to have a healthy attitude about it.
If you secretly believe that having sex is a shameful thing, you are going to carry that with you into all of your interactions.
It is going to affect your attitude toward women, and it is going to work against you when the time comes to put yourself out there for a potential hook up, relationship, or experience.
Let Me Let You In On A Very Powerful Truth
As a man, you SHOULD want sex! In fact, healthy women who are into you WANT YOU TO WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM!
Women are far hornier and more sexual than most men believe they are.
They want to be treated with respect, of course… but they also want to have great, awesome, zero-shame sex with the men they are attracted to (most of them, at least… there are always exceptions to the rule).
So as alpha males, we need to sort out our sexual shame. This will help us to believe in the fact that sex is a good thing that we should all want to do well!
#2 – It Is Causing You To Withdraw From Women
Sexual shame can rear its head at the most unpleasant of times.
Let me tell you a story.
I once met this beautiful girl online. We went on a date, and hit it off. Later on, she invited me over to her place, and it was fairly obvious that she planned to ‘fool around.’
But I was really wrapped up in some shame over this situation. My wife and I were in an open relationship at the time, and even though it was technically perfectly fine for me to go hang out with this girl, I was still dealing with some shame that made me doubt everything.
I over-thought this so much that I ended up almost talking myself out of hanging out with her!
Thankfully, I decided to swallow my shame and hang out anyway. You see, I believed that what I was doing was fine. It was my emotional reaction to my shame that was telling me that it was wrong.
But I was also dealing with the fact that so many people in my life were so judgmental of what my wife and I were doing.
This made me doubt myself. And so, that seed of shame was firmly emplanted there.
Long story short, we hung out and had an awesome time. I learned a lot of crucial things about myself and her that day, and it turned out to be a very good thing for me.
But if I would have listened to my shame, I might have cancelled.
And then, I would have been left with the regret of not going through with something I really wanted.
At The Core, Sexual Shame Is About Judgement
We are afraid of being judged by other people. That’s really the biggest part of it.
We also judge ourselves to a certain point, but honestly, most of our fear comes from being judged by other people.
We may also feel some kind of moral guilt. And for some of us, we may also believe that god, or some kind of higher power, is judging us negatively for wanting to be sexual creatures.
And to a point, humans can get out of control and destructive with their sexual tendencies. So obviously, we want to take a balanced approach to sex to make sure that it is safe, sane, and consensual.
But trust me… it is not immoral to want to have sex, just like it is not immoral to want a hug, or to want to have a good conversation.
We are social, communal creatures, and there are many reasons to want sex!
It Is Also Vitally Important To Understand That You Don’t Owe Anyone An Explanation For Wanting To Have Sex
If you want to have sex with a woman, you have a responsibility to communicate this… and then, if she’s into it, to go about it… in a manner that is safe, sane, and consensual.
But you do not owe anyone an explanation for why you want sex!
You don’t owe it to yourself to give an explanation either. You only have to want it. And as long as your partner also wants it, that is really all that matters!
This may not make sense to some people. But for me, I always felt like I needed to explain myself… like if I couldn’t give a good, valid reason for wanting sex, I must just want it because I’m a perv.
Well, that’s not true. Men want sex. It’s natural.
Why do they want it?
Because it’s awesome.
That’s the only reason you need!
#3 – Sexual Shame Is A Low-Value Marker In A Man
Believe it or not, men who have a lot of sexual shame give off what I call a ‘low value marker.’
In other words, women who detect sexual shame in a man are much more likely to either just want to be friends with him, or to stop seeing him altogether.
Because nobody wants to have sex with a person who has noticeable sexual shame in their life!
Sexual shame doesn’t just affect us. It also affects the people we have sex with.
Take it from someone who has not only had his own fair share of it in his life, but from someone who has also had sex with plenty of partners who had their own sexual shame as well.
Sexual shame not only ruins sex for you, but also for your partners.
Women Want To Feel Good About Sex – They Want It To Feel ‘Right’
But how can it feel ‘right’ if you feel ‘wrong’ about it?
Sure, you can try to fake it. But trust me… women are wizards at picking up on non-verbal communication cues! It is very difficult to hide sexual shame from a perceptive woman!
It is also true that men with sexual shame actually tend to respect women less than men without sexual shame.
Why? Well, when we get our foundational beliefs about sex all twisted up, throw in a healthy dose of negative emotion, and then take that baggage and try to engage with women while carrying it around… that is going to affect how we act, talk, hold ourselves, etc.
And some of it can manifest as bitterness, anger, frustration, resentment, etc.
I have seen many, many men with buried sexual shame get angry and blow up at women for rejecting them.
Because the man is not just getting rejected by one woman in this case. She is tripping an internal wire to an emotional bomb that he already had planted inside of himself… an emotional bomb that detonates and causes a much more extreme emotional reaction than the situation actually deserves.
I Know This Because I Used To Have The Same Problem
When I had a lot of sexual shame, I used to see all women as opponents who I was playing a game against. This was a very unhealthy attitude, and it hurt me and others in the process.
Back then, when a woman would reject me, it would make me extremely upset, because it didn’t feel like a singular, isolated incident of rejection. It felt like she was confirming what I already believed about myself, and what all other women must feel about me as well… that I was a pervy, skeezy, undesirable man for wanting sex.
It all goes back to self validation. Whenever I asked a woman for sex while I was also carrying around my own sexual shame, I was not just asking for sex. I was asking for her validation. And that is a super dangerous thing!
As men, we need to validate ourselves.
We must not fall into the trap of needing a woman’s attention or affection to validate us!
Now That I Have Eliminated Sexual Shame In My Life, I Am Free To Just Enjoy Sex For What It Is
Now, if a woman rejects me, it’s no big deal! I’m not relying on her for anything.
But as a side effect, it also actually gives me better odds for succeeding. I’ve been told by a number of women that my free, open, non-judgmental attitude about sex makes them feel safe.
I give them a place where they can be themselves without being judged, and they love it!
They also pick up on how relaxed I am, and this gives them a better feeling about having sex with me.
Because they are following my lead, and reading all of the subconscious information they are gathering about me while we interact… and all of this information is telling them that I believe in what we are doing, which is a sign that what we are doing must be a good thing to do!
But I wouldn’t be able to give women this kind of respect if I didn’t respect myself. And if we don’t get rid of our sexual shame, we will never figure out how to show women this kind of respect.
It Is Actually Really Ironic – The More In-Touch We Get With Our Sexual Side, And The More We Learn To Love That Part Of Us And Accept It, The Better We Get At Treating Women With Respect
It is always the ‘repressed’ men who seem to freak out and treat women horribly!
She me a man who blows up (or withdraws and gets depressed) at women over rejecting him, and I will show you a man who is actually carrying around an enormous amount of sexual shame, and a profound lack of self-esteem!
Sexual shame can be a powerful negative force! And it can cause a lot of damage… not only in our own lives, but also in the lives of others.
As men, we want to defeat this demon so that we can learn to love ourselves and accept ourselves for what we really are… horny alpha males who want to have some bomb-ass, awesome sex with beautiful women!
There is nothing wrong with this… nothing at all!
Own it! Let your freak flag fly! Don’t be shy about the fact that you love it when a woman gets naked in front of you! Don’t hide from the fact that you love the sexual things you love. Don’t be shy about the fact that you would love to have as much bomb-ass sex as possible!
Own it! Embrace it! Don’t hide it shamefully away in the back of your closet. Wear it on your sleeve and live your life with your sexuality comfortably and tactfully on-display for all to see!
This kind of confidence is, in itself, also a very powerful high-value marker for men!
How Do You Learn To Overcome Your Sexual Shame?
This is a huge question. I could write an entire book about this, and would probably only barely scratch the surface.
But if I was going to give you the single most powerful piece of advice on this topic that has helped me the most in my life, it would be this.
Find people who you can be open with about your love and desire for sex, who will not only share that love with you, but also encourage you for it instead of shaming you for it.
Talk about your sexuality with these people. Learn to get used to hearing yourself talking out-loud about what you want, what you desire, what catches your attention, what you hope to be able to do one day, your favorite things you’ve done so far, etc.
In other words, normalize expressing your sexuality around people who will support you. If anyone shames you, cut them out of your life! This is vitally important.
Eventually, you will get comfortable enough with yourself that you will start to figure out what you TRULY want and desire, and you will grow comfortable enough to share it without feeling shame.
It is really an experience thing. But other people really need to play a part in this, because sex is an inherently social construct. Yes, you can have sex alone (masturbation), but if you want to have sex with other people, it needs to be social.
So you need to normalize your feelings about your own sexuality to yourself in some kind of social setting.
It is very important that you incorporate other humans into this. This is one of those things that requires a tribe of good people around you!
I Used To Talk To My Friends About Sex – And It Helped Me A Lot
I have been very fortunate in my life to find close friends who I could talk to about sex.
These were amazing men and women in my life who came alongside me and supported me in vocalizing and coming to terms with who I was as a sexual person.
And I also helped them and supported them as well. And some of these friends, to this day, are my dearest and closest friends.
And I will always appreciate them and remember them.
It took me a good 4-5 years to really completely work through my sexual shame. It was a long-term process that I had to work on almost every day.
But it was so worth it! I took back so much of my own power through this process… power that had been stolen and given away for years through sexual shame, guilt, embarrassment, judgmental people, etc.
Experiencing Sex And Friendship With High Value Women Helped Me A Lot With My Sexual Shame
There were days when I would go on dates with amazing women, have amazing sex, and then lay in bed for hours together after… just talking to one-another about our sexualities, what we wanted, what we desired, etc.
For the most part, the women I spent time with during this part of my life truly helped me to understand myself. And had I not been brave enough to put myself out there, I would never have had the opportunities for these experiences.
Men… this is why it is so vitally important that we shoot our shot when we meet a woman whom we are interested in!
There are a couple of different women in particular who really helped me with this, and I will eternally be grateful to them for spending that time with me, opening up to me about their sexuality, and also listening to me without passing judgement or shaming me.
My Male Friends Also Played An Important Role In Helping Me To Overcome My Sexual Shame
There were days when I would open up to my guy friends (and sometimes close girl friends) over a pint of beer. I would just blurt out something I was thinking… and they would ponder it, respond with their thoughts, and help me learn about myself.
I am so grateful that I got to talk through my feelings with close male (and female) friends in this manner. Sometimes they would agree, sometimes they would disagree, and explain why… but always, they were encouraging to me, and wanted to see me grow.
This is why it is so important to have not only high value female friends in life, but also close, high value male friends!
This is your tribe! Every man needs this to thrive and succeed in life!
Eventually, I got to the point where I realized that I was pretty much healed… and also realized that it was now my turn to play this role for my partners.
Healing from sexual shame is a lifelong journey. And to a point, I will never stop learning and growing stronger in this area of life.
But… there does come a time when you heal and get better!
Once I figured out how to see and face my own sexual shame, I suddenly became aware of the fact that many women who came through my life desperately needed ME to be open with them, to give them a shame-free place to express themselves, and to never judge them for being exactly who they wanted to be as sexual creatures.
So many women in this world deal with such powerful levels of sexual shame! It is so sad, but so true. And as a man, it is SO POWERFUL to be able to give women a safe place to express their sexuality.
To a point, I overcame my problem, and then took upon myself the responsibility to share that joy and freedom with others.
I also became more supportive of my friends. I strive to be the kind of alpha male that my male and female friends can look to for encouragement, to help them heal from their own sexual shame as well.
This is the alpha male way. We lift others up! We don’t push them down.
This post only scratches the surface of the problem.
The truth is that sexual shame is a powerful negative force.
And the sooner we learn to level-up and defeat it in our lives, the sooner we can move on and level up not only our attraction, but also our desirability, our attraction skills, our relationships… and also our own happiness.
Go with grace, my friends, and never give up your power.
Until next time…
Joshua K. Sigafus