Should Alpha Men Talk About Their Feelings?
In a few of my articles, I mention that men should be careful about sharing their feelings with sexual partners.
But I also believe that this is a topic that deserves some careful discussion and consideration… because it is not a blanket statement, and I have several rather complex thoughts about it.
In this post, I’m going to share them.
Let’s bust this thing open.
Should alpha men talk about their feelings? Here is the true alpha male perspective.
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Alright. Now let’s move on to the topic at hand.
The Basics: I Think That Men DO Need To Talk About Their Feelings
Men obviously have feelings.
Men are obviously also social creatures.
And so, to think that men shouldn’t talk about their feelings is a lot like saying that humans shouldn’t ever hug or look at each other.
It really defies our core nature as social creatures.
Humans Can, And Should, Communicate Openly And Honestly With Each Other… Regardless Of Whether They Are Male Or Female
In fact, the more ‘different’ humans are, the more good that can come from open, honest, and clear communication.
We see this very accurately demonstrated when different cultures, or people from different religions or creeds, come together to have peaceful discussions in an attempt to benefit all of mankind… not just to help one sect or creed to edge above another.
There Is Also Emotional Health To Consider
Men absolutely need to talk about their feelings.
In fact, science has shown us that talking about our anger, sadness, and pain can make them less intense.
In my own experience, if I had never talked through some of my deepest, most powerful emotions with people I trusted… I might never have found a way to work through some of my toughest moments in a healthy way.
There is something very important that comes from speaking our emotions out loud, getting good, positive, quality, honest feedback from people we trust, and then taking that information to make our lives better.
There is also something very important about venting and performing conscious rants to get our negative feelings aired intentionally to someone we trust… rather than letting them bottle up and explode.
In fact, Robert Augustus Masters talks a lot about conscious rants in his book To Be a Man: A Guide to True Masculine Power.
This isn’t rocket science. It’s pretty simple stuff.
But it is important stuff.
We Get Stressed Out
If we don’t talk to someone about that stress, it will just bottle up inside of us… and that isn’t healthy or good for anyone.
That simmering stress is part of what causes people to ‘flip out’ and fly off the handle.
And it could absolutely be said that a man with good friends, whom he knows that he can trust, confide in, and open up to with true solidarity… knowing that he will be received with empathy, and not shamed or shunned for his feelings… Well, such a man is going to have a much better shot in life at achieving success and working through his problems.
A man who is isolated and completely alone, on the other hand… well, he’s going to have a much worse time of it.
In fact, I might even go as far as to say that a true alpha male will always make sure that he is cultivating valuable friendships, to make sure that he does not isolate himself.
Alpha men take care of themselves first, and then, when they are strong and ready, they move on to take care of their tribe. There is no question about this.
This is how the alpha male lives. He makes self-prioritization a responsibility, because he holds himself accountable every day to being at his best.
This is part of building a tribe and a family.
So Why Would I Tell Alpha Men Not To Talk About Their Feelings With Their Sexual Partners?
Should alpha men talk about their feelings?
Yes, absolutely. 1000% yes.
But… should alpha men talk about their feelings with their sexual partners?
That is another question altogether… and sometimes, I firmly believe that the answer is ‘no.’
Let me explain why.
Why Should Alpha Men Be Careful About Being Open About Their Feelings With Their Sexual Partners?
First of all, I am not saying ‘never.’ There is most certainly a time and a place to talk about your feelings with your sexual partner.
But I also believe that men need to understand that there are limits and risks to this.
Here are the main risks.
- If a man rants at his partner about her or something she has done, he will most likely hurt her feelings. These conversations need to be very sensitive and careful, but also direct and to the point. There is no room for getting over-emotional.
- If a man speaks too much about his emotional needs to his sexual partner, to the point where she feels that she needs to become a caretaker, it is very likely that, if it happens more than just once in a great while, she will begin to lose respect and attraction for him… which decreases desire
- Sometimes when men talk about their feelings, they make themselves very vulnerable. This is good in some cases, because it is healthy. But some women will use this against him in the future. And so, you must be able to 1000% trust that person before they earn the right to be your emotional sounding board, to any degree
Allowing a woman who has not proven her loyalty to you inner access to your emotions is a lot like letting a woman you don’t know watch your children or manage your business in your absence.
Sure… things could go quite well.
Or, they could backfire.
If you are a strong enough man that you have learned to detach yourself from what other people think of you, then telling your sexual partners about some of your feelings might not be so risky.
But I need the fingers on both hands and then some to count the number of times women have used my inner feelings against me later on, after I confided in them. It is just something that most women will do if their attitude toward you shifts… period.
It is very rare to find a woman (or a human, for that matter) who is of a high enough quality to listen to your feelings without any risk of those things coming back to bite you later.
This is really just common sense… but some men get so wrapped up in their emotions that they forget about it.
And so, I am not trying to tell men to never talk about their feelings.
I am telling men to be very careful and wise about how, and when, and with whom they share their feelings… and I am telling men that sometimes, it is just better to talk to your friends or your therapist rather than to take the risk with a sexual partner.
Your Sexual Partner Is Not Your Therapist – And It Isn’t Fair To Treat Them As Such
I firmly believe that this should go both ways too.
For example… my girlfriend used to have a lot of insecurities about our relationship.
And she would talk to me about them.
That is totally fine. I wanted her to be able to open up to me. I was fine with that. I knew that I could handle it, and that I could maintain a rational frame of mind without getting into my feelings about it.
But… if I started to get too worn out by it, I would simply ask her to stop.
“I have to take a break from listening to this right now,” I would say. “But I love you, and I hope you get it figured out.”
You see, my problems are not my girlfriend’s responsibility. And her problems are not my responsibility.
We are not entitled to a listening ear whenever we need one.
We are not entitled to a built-in therapist whenever we need to talk… and our partner shouldn’t be held to such a standard.
But we can ask for one if we desire it. And then we can respect whatever answer we get, and be grateful for whatever that person does offer us.
And we can agree to give a listening ear as well… if we want to. If we don’t, we don’t owe that to anyone. And if someone disrespects that boundary… Well, tell them to stop or hit the road!
[Check out this post for 23 dating tips for men!]
We Must Balance The Need To Talk With Knowing Who We Should Talk To
Some men do not talk to anyone. But that is a mistake.
Some men over-share with their sexual partners, to the point where it makes the other person exhausted.
This is also a mistake.
I would love to see men do this… talk to their partner about smaller surface-level things, or things that are important and that need to be discussed in the context of the relationship, and to maintain healthy boundaries.
But I also think that men need to work toward becoming high value men and doing away with their insecurities.
And if they need to vent any really illogical or irrational feelings in this regard, they should do it with a friend or a therapist… never their sexual partner.
Alpha Men Also Need To Remember That They Are Kings And Leaders, Above All Other Things… And That They Need To Step Into That Role With Power And Intention
Men who are not alphas will probably not understand this next piece of advice, and that is ok.
This is more specifically focused at alpha males.
I am an alpha. I will walk this road until the day I die. And on this journey, my mandate is to be a powerful, effective leader that my tribe, family, and community can look up to and count on.
So I need to be extra careful with who I vent to.
I need to consider more people than just myself. I need to consider my girlfriend’s feelings. I want to cultivate desirability with her, and make our sexual relationship fun and exciting.
I do not want to make her into my therapist.
I also need to be wary of who I share the inner-workings of my mind with.
I used to be far too trusting with my feelings, and know from experience that people will use them against you.
And so, we must be wise and responsible. Wise enough to know who not to talk to, and responsible enough to not neglect the need to talk and be open.
We Cannot Be All Things To All People. We Are Who We Choose To Be With Our Actions
If I vent all of my worries, fears, stresses, and negative emotions to her… she will get an inside look at everything that is not ok with me.
And what effect does that have?
I know exactly how that will affect her, because I see it happen every day.
I have destroyed many relationships by being the ‘needy boyfriend.’ This happened when I was younger, when I was a beta male… and I do not want to live that way anymore.
I see men everyday rejected and broken-up with because they were the ‘needy guy.’
I don’t want to see men give up on dating. I want to see men learn how to handle relationships in a positive, constructive way.
Women Are Not Attracted To The Needy. It Is Not In Their Nature
They are attracted to strong, powerful leaders. They are attracted to men who have control of their lives and emotions… and for good reason!
Women do not want to drag needy men along with them. They want men who are at least capable of taking care of themselves.
And so, when I do need to talk about my emotions, I talk to one of my trusted, long-term friends about them.
I put a lot of work into cultivating positive relationships in my life, and I have many trusted friends who I can, and do, talk to about my problems, stresses, and emotions on a regular basis.
Does This Mean That I Never Talk To My Girlfriend?
No, not at all.
In fact, sometimes I do talk to her.
I might talk to her about how annoying traffic was. I might ask her opinion on something I am dealing with or working on. I am especially interested in her perspective as a woman on certain issues, and I love to ask her about those things.
I do not always leave my girlfriend out of the loop… I simply exercise wisdom and understanding before I decide to vent, and I usually choose friends to vent to in such cases, because I totally trust them, and because I do not want to make my girlfriend responsible for listening to my problems.
If I am going to put energy into my sexual relationships, I want that energy to be productive in increasing desire, to at least some extent.
And as a result, I think that both of us are healthier… and our relationship is much healthier. Our levels of desire for one-another stay very high.
She sees me as a strong leader whom she can lean on when she needs it.
And I see her as a human who I love, who I want to support and nurture as we live our lives together. And sometimes, that means that she doesn’t need to know everything that is going on with me.
And that is totally fine… because we are free individuals. We are not joined at the hip!
The Alpha Male Path Is Not For Everyone
Sometimes, a man needs to know when to be strong. Sometimes, a man needs to understand when his feelings are too much for his partner.
Sometimes, a man needs to hold his head high and press on, even when things are not easy.
As a true alpha, he does not bitch, whine, or complain. He pursues his goals. He fights the battle. He chases excellence every day, and he is devoted to his purpose… first and foremost.
And then, win or lose, for better or for worse, he has a pint with his trusted companions and lets it all out.
He may laugh, or cry, or scream, or pound his chest, or vent, or be confused… and that is all ok.
Because he has other strong alpha men (or women) around him, supporting him, listening to him, giving him good advice, letting him know where he is right and where he is wrong… and that is a very wise thing.
“The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, not the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson
Humans Are Not Perfect
And as alpha males, it is our duty to be consoler in chief to our tribe, to help them through the deep, unpleasant shit that life can throw at us.
And sometimes, even alphas need to talk.
And there is nothing wrong with that. But as with all other things, the alpha uses wisdom and consideration when he does.
In Conclusion
Should alpha men talk about their feelings?
Hopefully, this post has answered that question for you.
Keep fighting the good fight, men.
Go with grace, and never give up your power.
If you need some clarification on exactly what it means to be a true alpha male, check out my personal alpha male code, the 18 vows of the Oath of Kings.
Until next time…
Joshua K. Sigafus