This is something that I’ve known intimately, for quite some time now. Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself.
When I was younger, I used to rely a lot on other people for my ‘good’ feelings.
I wanted other people to approve of me, support me, be proud of me, etc.
Of course, we all want these things, to a certain point.
But when we rely on them instead of just being thankful when they happen, we run into problems.
And perhaps most importantly, when we rely on other people for outside validation, rather than validating ourselves, we’re definitely headed for a world of trouble.
Let’s break this down a bit.
Being Strong For Yourself May Mean Ignoring Other People
This morning, I needed to get my car out of the driveway. But my roommate was parked behind me.
Unfortunately, she was asleep in her room, because she works nights.
But, I still needed to get out of the driveway. So I knocked on her door and woke her up.
She answered, and sleepily asked what I needed.
I told her I needed to get out of the driveway.
And do you know what she did?
She literally got mad at me, and angrily went about it.
But this isn’t new.
She hates it when I ask her to move her car. And she shows me attitude about it every single time.
When I was younger, this would have really bothered me.
It would have made me feel like she was mad at me.
It would have made me feel like a ‘jerk’ for making her move.
It would have made me feel like I was doing something wrong.
But you know what? I’ve learned that all of these things are false.
In truth, these things will only bother me if I am dependent upon her for my own feelings of peace and happiness.
Sometimes, People Need Us To Know When NOT To Fight
Here’s the thing.
I could fight with my roommate about this.
I even have the upper hand, because I own the house.
At the end of the day, I’m in charge, and there’s very little that she could really do to win such an argument or fight.
But is it worth it?
No, it isn’t.
Because most of the time, she’s very kind.
There are just moments where she literally loses her temper.
But I also understand that I have a choice to make in these moments
I can go ahead and fight with her whenever something happens that I don’t like.
Or, I can understand that sometimes, humans just aren’t very good at being strong and in a perfect state of mind all the time.
At the end of the day, sometimes you have to be strong for yourself, as well as for the other people around you.
Because they don’t always know how to be strong. And if I fight with my roommate every time she loses her cool, life would become very chaotic.
Even worse, it probably wouldn’t solve anything… because me fighting with my roommate isn’t going to make her realize that her life needs to change.
Only her experiences and what she chooses to take in will teach her that.
Why Do I Keep Living With This Person?
It might sound like my relationship with my roommate is unpleasant. But nothing could be further from the truth.
She pays her bills on time.
She’s incredibly kind and sweet.
She does a lot to try to make life better for everyone in the house.
And perhaps, most important of all…
She is a part of my tribe. And as such, she is cared for… and I take responsibility and ownership over that.
In life, as alpha leaders, whenever we are met with a certain type of behavior we don’t like, we need to figure out which one of these is true.
- This person shouldn’t be in my life
- This person should be in my life, but they aren’t perfect… and they’re going to make mistakes
This is a very delicate line to understand.
For the most part, when people get an attitude with me, they earn a quick, free, one-way-ticket out of my life, for good.
But I also know that not everyone is perfect.
And if a loved one, or someone I value highly, acts in a negative way toward me, I understand that I have a different kind of challenge on my hands.
I need to decide if I want to keep this person around. And then, I need to decide how I am going to handle the situation if the answer is ‘yes.’
Sometimes, you have to be strong for yourself.
And this means not relying on other people to solve the problems.
See, when you’re an alpha, you don’t get to pass the buck.
When you’re in charge, you’re at the end of the line.
It is your responsibility to solve your problems… and you will also need to solve a few for your tribe as well.
And in this case, that meant just shrugging off my roommate getting mad.
I decided not to invest any energy into it.
I decided not to let my power be lost to the chaos of the situation.
In short, I decided not to care.
That can be a challenging way to handle things. But sometimes, it is best for all concerned.
It’s More Caring Not To Care
Sometimes, as counterintuitive as it may seem, it is truly more caring NOT to care.
I walked in and told my roommate that I needed her to move her car.
She got mad.
Right here, I have a choice to make.
I could choose to care about her reaction and do something about it…
I could choose NOT to care about her reaction, and act as if it didn’t happen.
Make no mistake. I’m not ‘avoiding’ things. If I truly felt that I needed to deal with something, I would.
Being afraid of straightforward communication is NOT a part of the alpha mentality, in ANY way, shape, or form.
But if I stopped to deal with every little thing that everyone did, every time, on a daily basis, that I didn’t agree with, I would NEVER get the time to do ANYTHING else!
And so, I make the conscious decision here not to care.
And this is actually a kinder way to behave toward my roommate in this case, because I have a feeling that she probably just lost control of her emotions.
I don’t think that she actually wanted to act angrily toward me. And if I were to call her attention to it, I have a feeling that she would regret acting that way.
I think she just tends to have a momentary lapse in her judgment when I ask her to move her car, because something about it really bothers her.
So in this case, I was choosing to be the strong one. I was choosing to take those feelings and just dissipate them, instead of returning them back to her and expecting her to fix it.
Sometimes You Have To Be Strong For Yourself – But That Doesn’t Mean To Put Up With Bullsh*t
Make no mistake. I’m not trying to tell you to avoid conflict.
But there comes a time when we do have pretty much total control of our lives, and when we have created the life and destiny that we want for ourselves, when people getting snippy becomes the exception to the rule, rather than the rule.
If I were truly bothered by my roommate’s attitude, I would call her out and we would have that conflict.
But in truth, I’m not truly bothered. I don’t believe that it means anything. And in many ways, I attribute it to the fact that she has some human emotions that she just doesn’t always have control over. And are we not all the same, at least in some respects?
A lot of people, however, simply avoid conflict because it is unpleasant for them. But in this case, I am choosing to not care about the situation because it just has no bearing on my life.
She still moves the car. We are still friends. I’m still happy. I still have control of my life and can do whatever I want. Life still goes on.
Do you see the subtle difference?
The delicate line between…
The mentality of “it’s more caring not to care.“
The mentality of “Don’t put up with any bullshit in life…”
… is a very delicate line, and it will take time to figure out where that line is for you.
For a lot of people, they err on the side of being too nice. This is because they are conflict avoidant.
And for others, the assholes in the world, they choose to pick fights when a fight probably isn’t needed.
These types of people struggle with being kind in life.
And so, it is a balance that we, as alphas, must strike in our lives. And it is very important that we find the right balance.
At The End Of The Day – We Can Only Rely On Ourselves
We must solve the problems.
We must become leaders.
Alphas, like you and I, must be the ones who take up the mantle of responsibility and bear it in the world.
The world is full of people who don’t understand how to do this. It is full of people who are just surviving.
And to ask someone like this to be strong for you is an impossibility.
It just doesn’t make sense.
You’re going to find that most people in the world don’t have the strength it takes to be strong for themselves, much less for others.
This is why we must choose to take up this mantle on our own, and do what needs to be done to ensure victory and success for ourselves every day.
And then, once you master yourself and your own life, you can level up and become the type of alpha who broadens your area of responsibility… choosing to become responsible for your tribe, family, or community in addition to yourself.
This is the natural progression for the alpha. And is why leadership is fundamental to the true alpha mentality.
In Conclusion – Sometimes You Have To Be Strong For Yourself
At the end of the day, being strong comes from developing powerful habits that give us more control over our own lives, bodies, and minds.
I find that working out, meditating, studying, learning, reflecting, and intentionally striving to be stronger every day are key components to this.
But you also need to be willing to admit when you are wrong, and commit to learning from your mistakes.
This is how the strongest men and women become who they are.
Go with grace, my friends, and never give up your power.
-Joshua K. Sigafus