What is an incel?
This is a big question. And I will admit that I have been hesitant to write about it.
In truth, I am not an expert on the Incel movement.
I know that a lot of people have a mixed bag of emotions about it.
I know that there have been some very evil people in recent history who were self-proclaimed incels, and I know that it is widely believed (and probably true) that these people were radicalized, at least in part, by some of the more radical parts of the incel subculture online.
But I also know that not all incels are violent people. In fact, from what I can tell, most people in the ‘mainstream world’ haven’t really given the community a very fair chance to speak out about themselves.
And to be super honest, I think that incels get a super-bad rap… when what they actually deserve is to be listened to and understood.
I was partially prompted to write this post based on this video.
I found this utterly fascinating. I am not sure to what extent the young man being interviewed here represents what one would consider ‘the normal views’ of the typical incel.
But if at least a good portion of incels think and feel the way this young man feels… well, I have to say that, to a point, I understand it!
What is an incel? Let’s talk about that.
What Is An Incel? Defining The Term
The term ‘incel’ is a shortened word for the term ‘involuntary celibacy.’
In other words… an incel, as far as I can tell, seems to describe a human (almost always a male) who is not sexually active, but not because he chooses not to be.
He is, rather, not sexually active because he cannot seem to find anyone who wishes to have sexual relationships or a relationship with him.
In other words, I think that most incels would tell you that they want loving, positive relationships with women… but for one reason or another, do not feel like they were ever given a chance to have that.
Now, from here, things branch off and go in all kinds of different directions.
From the way I understand it, some incel groups online are friendly places where men share tips with one-another about how to hopefully score a date, get a girlfriend, and/or get married.
These seem to be men who genuinely want human connection with a woman, but also legitimately do not understand how to get it to happen, for one reason or another.
These places seem very supportive, and are really no different from any other online ‘men’s group.’
But there also seems to be another side to the coin… and some of these groups (usually online groups, forums, threads, meeting places, etc.) seem to be more adequately described as a hub for pure misogyny… where the entire spirit seems characterized by hatred and rage toward women.
These seem to be the more radicalized subsets of the incel culture… where men who have grown increasingly bitter about being rejected over and over again by women get together to voice the anger, rage, and dissent they feel toward women in general.
Now, I Am Not Going To Try To Put Any Of This Into Any Sort Of Box…
I have already said that I’ve never been a member of this community. And thus, I obviously do not know everything there is to know about it.
I am not an expert in it at all.
And so, the purpose of this article is not exactly to try to talk about what I know about incels.
I am, rather, going to talk about my own experiences in life… and how I could have definitely probably found common ground with at least some of these men, at various points throughout my life.
And my goal with all of this is simple. I feel like men in the incel community would be ideal candidates to read my blog.
I feel like men in the incel community need support. I think that they need friendship, and I feel like they doubtlessly need to be understood instead of being treated like they are woman-hating pigs who don’t know what they are talking about.
These are men who deserve empathy… and so, my real hope is that this post might actually bring some people who are leaning toward the incel mentality into my blog.
Because I actually feel like I might be able to help.
I want to help!
Why? Because I Feel That I Actually Understand Women Pretty Well
I understand them at least enough that I have a thriving, exciting, fulfilling sex life. I have also had several very serious, and very pleasurable, long term relationships, was married for 10 years, and have fathered two children.
And so, in the grand scheme of things, one might say that I am actually quite successful with women.
And while I do not completely understand women, and do not claim to be a wizard when it comes to them, I do have an incredible dating and sex life… and I enjoy it every single day.
The truth is that I love women. I love talking to women, I love learning about them, I love listening to their ideas, I love intimacy, I love the differences between men and women, I love sex, I love that amazing chemistry you feel when you flirt and enjoy a woman’s company… I just love all of it!
And on this blog, my goal is to help men succeed with women so that they can enjoy those things as well.
Because I believe that if men and women can learn to enjoy each other as much as I have learned to enjoy my relationships and time spent with women… I think that the world would become a much better, happier, more fulfilling place.
And I think men and women will benefit from it.
And With That Being Said, I Feel Like People In The Incel Community Could Find My Blog Especially Useful
In short… I want to help.
If incels are truly involuntarily celibate… and actually just want to figure out how to find a quality woman (or even more than one woman) to spend time with, have sex with, engage with, and to simply enjoy life with… well, then I might be able to help.
Let me tell you a little bit of my story.
This story may not seem like it puts me into any sort of incel group… and in fact, it doesn’t.
Let me rephrase this, especially for anyone reading this who may identify as an incel.
I realize that I am not an incel. I realize that I cannot completely understand what you are going through.
But I have battled some darkish demons in the realm of sexuality, and there have been times in my life when I could have gone off the deep end if things would not have gone as well for me.
Please hear me out and let me explain.
When I Was Married, I Met A Woman Who Changed My Life Forever
In truth, I have met several women who changed my life forever! But this one particular woman came into my life at a very interesting time.
You see, at the time, I was married. But… My marriage was in a strange place.
My ex wife and I had been married for about 8 years at this point. And our marriage had been somewhat rocky, to say the least.
At the time, I thought that everything was fine. But what I didn’t realize was that basically all of the passion had already disappeared.
And this did quite a number on my self esteem.
To put it simply, I was not very confident. My wife and I were sexually active… but it often only felt like she had sex with me because I asked… not because she actually wanted to.
This really hurt my feelings. But at the time, I was not wise enough to understand that our relationship was not a healthy one. I honestly thought that this was how it was for everyone!
In truth, I don’t think either of us were very happy. But I was inexperienced and didn’t understand what to do about it.
But… I did understand that I felt very low. I had such low self esteem that I felt invisible to women.
In my eyes, even my wife who was having sex with me didn’t want me. And if she didn’t want me, then who possibly would?
The answer? Probably nobody.
This made me very sad. And that led to depression. And that led to loneliness. And eventually, that turned into bitterness, resentment… and yes, even a bit of hatred and rage.
And there was a period of time in my life when I did legitimately hate women.
I hated them because I wanted so badly to be accepted by them.
Of course, this is not the true way. Now that I understand the alpha male journey, I understand that women should not be the focus of our lives as men… but rather, should be a happy, pleasurable, quality addition to an already excellent life!
But back then, I did not understand this.
I was not an emotionally healthy person. I was not a modern man. I was trying to fit my life into a box that did not exist!
And I didn’t know how to fix it.
Now, I am not trying to blame my wife for these problems. I am sure that she was just as lost as I was.
There was no antagonist in this story other than my own lack of understanding and experience.
Eventually, My Ex Wife And I Opened Up Our Marriage
Now… At this point, those who identify as involuntary celibates might be listening to my story, and saying “what does this have to do with anything? You were never celibate… you were having sex! You had children! You were married! What does this have to do with the question what is an incel?”
Well, that is fair enough. And like I said, I have never been a part of this community… and so, no, I do not understand what it is like to be an incel.
But I do know that at this point in my life, I felt so ugly, and unwanted, and undesirable, and disappointing, that I had a really hard time thinking that any woman would truly want me.
You see, to me, the sticking point was not just the sex.
I wanted to actually be wanted and desired. And yet, every day in my life, my sexual interactions with my wife only proved that the exact opposite was true.
I was not desired. I was not wanted. She was only with me because she had to be.
Anyway, let’s get back to the story.
My wife and I opened up our marriage… and we ended up beginning our non-monogamous journey as swingers. That’s when we met another couple.
I am not going to go into too much detail here.
But I learned a lot of lessons about life, love, women, sex, and how complicated humans are very quickly as my wife and I embarked on this adventure.
When We Met This Couple, I Was Blown Away By How Beautiful The Woman Was, And How ‘In Love’ This Couple Was
She was fun, charming, smart, full of life, and so incredibly sexy.
She was literally a 10… in every sense of the word.
My wife was a very sexy woman as well.
But since we had known each other for years, and since our relationship was not in a very good place, I seriously doubted that any beautiful woman, including my wife, would ever want to spend time with me… much less touch me, desire me, or want to have sex with me.
I desired my wife completely. And yet, it always felt like she struggled to return those feelings.
That was how down I was about women at that point in my life. I just had no confidence whatsoever.
But anyway, let’s continue the story.
When We Met This Couple, I Decided To Put My Best Foot Forward
I had not yet truly begun my alpha male journey. But the seeds of this mentality were beginning to sprout in my mind.
Just meeting this amazing couple, to explore the possibility of potentially having some kind of new intimate adventure, breathed new life into my affection-starved soul… and so, I decided that I was going to do everything I could to make it a success.
I wanted this more than anything in the world. And so, I committed myself to doing the best thing I knew to do.
I decided just to be myself, to present myself as confident, to be kind and respectful, and to try my best to be the best human I could possibly be.
And if it didn’t work… I promised myself that I would just try again.
I was just determined to change my life and to find what I was looking for. And this was my first big chance.
When We Met, The Girl Seemed More Interested In My Wife Than In Me
This bothered me more than a little bit. I will admit that when I saw this girl flirting more with my wife, and paying her more attention, I felt like the ugliest man in the world.
I felt like I was less than nothing.
But… I knew that I needed to stop letting those feelings control me.
I knew that being pathetic about it didn’t help my case at all!
And so one night, after a long walk in the moonlight, the four of us stopped to talk and hang out on an old bridge… and I stepped forward and did the most honest, brave thing that I knew to do.
I decided to face my fears head-on. And this is what I said.
“Hey everyone, I’ve had a really good time tonight. I think that my wife and I are super lucky to have met you, and I will admit that I’ve had a great time getting to know you. But… I just want everyone to know that there is no pressure to involve me directly if (I gestured to the other girl) I am not really your type.
I feel like I can sense some chemistry between my wife and you two, and that is super awesome! I just want you to know that I’m a confident guy, and there is no pressure, and I just want everyone to be themselves and not feel like it is expected that I absolutely have to be involved in whatever happens.”
Now, in hindsight, this seems more than a little bit cringy to me now! There were a million different and better ways to handle this entire situation.
But, that was where I was in that moment. This was me trying to be brave and face my fears.
The girl looked at me strangely, and smiled… but I don’t remember her saying anything directly. I also do not remember my wife saying anything to me.
But, I do remember what the guy said to me. I will never forget it.
“Dude, that was the most confident thing you could have said, and there is nothing more attractive than confidence. Women eat that stuff up, man. You are super attractive, and super cool!”
And he gave me this huge hug… and I was instantly so relieved that I had said what I had said, and been honest about my feelings.
Josh… What The %^&* Does This Have To Do With The Question What Is An Incel?
If you will just stick with me a little bit longer, I will explain.
Fast forward a month later.
In a hotel room in Branson, Missouri… I had one of the most incredible experiences of my life with that same beautiful woman while my wife and the other guy spent the night in another room.
My wife and I had finally made the leap, and had entered the swinger scene. And this was our first full-swap experience.
But it meant so much more to me than that.
Over the next year, this couple would go on to become a major part of my life.
I ended up dating the girl, and becoming very, very dear friends with the guy. And to this day, he stands out to me as being one of the first men I ever met who actually understood my desire to succeed with women, and he helped me so much by supporting me along that journey, and being a true friend to me.
My relationships with those two incredible humans have forever changed the direction of my life, and I am so glad that I met them when I did.
But This Is The Thing. This Very, Very Happy Story Could Have Ended In Sadness, Rejection, And Desperation Had It Not Been A Success
This experience radically revolutionized my life forever… in all of the very best ways.
I learned so many lessons, gained so much confidence, and leveled up so much during this time.
I also learned a lot of hard lessons, and made a lot of mistakes that would forever change the course of my life.
But let’s get back to what this has to do with the original question… what is an incel?
Before My Wife And I Opened Up Our Marriage, I Had A Lot Of Anger In Me Toward Women
I was trying to fight it. I was trying to make it work. I was trying to be the kind of man who loved women. I didn’t want to hate them.
But I teetered on the brink. And had this experience not gone well, well, I might have been pushed to be even more angry, feel less confident, and get more depressed.
And that would have been a lot harder to come back from.
I also want to give a disclaimer. I loved my wife. I was not dying to have sex with other women because I was tired of my wife.
I loved my wife completely, and wanted nothing more than for her to love me the same. But, it just wasn’t there. And that made me feel really low. And when we broke up two years later, I came to understand the truth.
That she had tried to love me all of those years, but just didn’t feel it.
I do not blame her for our marriage failing. We were equally responsible… and equally ignorant. But anyway, let’s continue with the story.
So What Made The Difference?
Why did this experience go well? Why did this girl and I hit it off so well?
Why didn’t I just get rejected in favor of a more attractive guy with more to offer?
Well, now I understand that it was probably because of a lot of things. But more than anything, it was my community. It was these awesome people I was spending time and exploring with.
- My wife, who was also exploring along beside me and trying to build me up, despite the fact that our relationship was not perfect
- The guy from the other couple, who showed me a truly unlimited amount of kindness, acceptance, and love as the four of us got to know each other better
- The woman from the other couple, who was brave enough to explore the swinging scene and to put herself out there to meet other people like us, who was not afraid to open up and share these incredible experiences together
- Other very dear friends in my life at that time who listened to me, helped to build me up, and were always there for me for advice and to let me vent about my feelings
All things considered, this was a very special time in my life that I will always treasure.
But I was fortunate in that I had people around me, helping me, being kind to me, lifting me up, showing me love and acceptance, and teaching me what I didn’t know about women, sex, and relationships.
And This Is Where We Come To The Main Point
What is an incel?
I think that most incels are probably not so different from me.
They just probably didn’t have the same support I did at that time in life when things could have gone well for them.
Instead of getting the girl, they got rejected.
Instead of having the other men embracing them, they were put down.
Instead of being honest about their feelings, and having that honesty met with affection, love, and mutual desire… they were rejected, or even ridiculed or laughed at.
It is not so difficult to see how things could have gone the other way for me. And I think In many ways, I was luckier than I realized.
But not all men are that fortunate. Not all men are surrounded by good people, like I was.
Here Is What I Hope All Incels Can Gain From This Post
I run this blog so that I can help other men win with women.
I’m not perfect. But I care.
Not only that, but I have a lot of experience.
And I have a soft spot for men who feel like incels. I have empathy for them, and I am on their side.
Please keep checking back. Please keep reading my blogs. Please keep listening to my viewpoints, ideas, and guides.
I believe that what I have to say can help you.
I think that if you want to win with women, I can teach you how.
It may take time. But it is so, so worthwhile.
My hope is that all men will learn to level up and have amazing experiences with incredible women.
I am so grateful to have shared such memorable times with the women I have loved and cared for. And my wish is that all men and women could find that for themselves as well.
And I firmly believe that the alpha male journey, and my personal alpha male code, the Oath of Kings, are both solutions that can help.
That’s about all I have to say on this subject for now.
If you identify, or even feel a little bit like an incel… please know that I am on your side.
If you want to have sex, have relationships, be desireable, and win with women, I 1000% believe that I can help you.
There is a lot of hope. If I can do it, so can you.
Stick with me. I can show you the path I took.
Go with grace, my friends. And never give up your power.
Until next time.
Joshua K. Sigafus